I’ve wanted to have my own advice column ever since I started giving unsolicited advice to my friends and family. Turns out I’m really great at advising on topics I know very little about. But if my time spent studying positivity and motivation taught me anything, it’s that you don’t let obstacles like being unqualified stand in the way of your innate talents.
Nobody has emailed me any questions so I decided to hijack* a question from Bizarre Word Bazzaar, a blog I stumbled upon whilst searching for advice columns.
I have been married for 8 years and my husband is a wonderful spouse. My complaint may seem shallow but please hear me out.
A couple of years back, he started buying me potted plants instead of cut flowers because “you get more for your money”. He buys me plants three or four times a year. Well, after receiving the third one I asked him to please stop it and to go back to buying the cut flowers. I neither like house plants nor do I want something I have to plant in the yard and water.
Despite this, he continues to buy me potted plants every time. Each time he claims he ‘forgot’.
Sick of this!
Dear Sick of this!,
You’re not shallow – your husband is just thoughtless and not-at-all the wonderful guy he likely brainwashed you to believe he is.
Here’s the thing: your husband can’t get a clue because you’ve been married too damn long and he actually doesn’t give a shit about whether you like plants or not. He’s just pleased with himself that he bought you something but I assure you, you have the right to be angry as hell and not take it anymore. Here’s why.
If he told you he hates those shirts with the intimidating little alligator on the front who looks like he’s ready to eat the neighborhood children, you’d probably stop buying those types of shirts for him. Right? It’s called considerfuckingation and your husbands supply is low.
Fret not – I’ve developed a plan for under-appreciated wives just like you. It’s called TAPARS. This stands for The Awesome Passive Aggressive Revenge System. No one should have to live their lives with unwanted plants and it’s time you took a stand against this treachery. Allow me to show you how.
Below are three beginner options using TAPARS, proven to work only some of the time. I’ve provided visuals at no extra charge. I hope they are helpful.
1. Buy him three or four salmon-colored alligator shirts. When he expresses his disdain, say “Oops. I forgot. Like when you forget I hate plants. Guess we both have to deal with it.”
2. Cook him his least favorite meal. When he expresses his disdain, say “Oops, I forgot you hate tofu and kale salad. But the kale was on sale and a total bang for your buck!”
3. Buy him a lifetime supply of 2-blade razors. When he cuts his face, rejoice in his pain and say “Oops, I forgot you hate when your face bleeds from cheap razors. But they were on super sale. Not even a bang for your buck because it feels like I stole them.”
Your husband may ask what’s gotten into you but the answer is simple: EMPOWERMENT, MOTHERFUCKER. Then calmly explain, yet again, your utter distaste for plants and end the talk with “can you hear me now?”
And that, dear Sick of this!, is how you get things done. Or divorced. Let me know how it goes for you. I’m also really good with Post-Marital Advice.
Love and peace,
Dr. D-Money, The Hunny With Answers
Have a relationship issue that’s destroying your life? Email me at imtoofancyblog(at) gmail.com and I will respond in the next installment of Awesome Relationship Advice By Dr. D-Money, The Hunny With Answers. I look forward to hearing about your sorrows.
*i’m too fancy does not endorse hijacking in real life. We apologize if the word hijack offends you.