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Archive of ‘complaints & rants’ category

25 Reasons I Might Not Like You

Not on the list: you drink my soda.

Not on the list: you drink my soda without permission.

I decided to look through my draft posts to see what I’ve written but never posted. This was a post I wrote on 9/4/2013. Not sure why I ordered the list in this way. I think it’s because in 2013, i did not understand how numbered lists work.

Also, the title should really be “25 Reasons I Know I Don’t Like You” but I decided not to edit. If I did, I’d have 50 more reasons I know I don’t like you. Added years have a funny way of making you dislike more people, you know? You know. 

If you’re also the type of person who doesn’t like humans who behave in an unsavory way, please leave a comment. Until then, enjoy.

The List

25) You flirted with my husband in front of me and then knowingly smirked at me.

24) You made fun of my weight.

23) There’s something about your face that just doesn’t suit my eyes.

22) The only content you post on Facebook is of your vacations.

21) You’re a humble brag and act as if the sun rises just so you can pirouette through the day.

20) I just don’t.

19) You don’t support the gays and their quest to marry.

18) You hurt animals.

17) You’re still talking about your wedding and it’s been more than two years.

16) You messed with my family.

15) You messed with my friends.

14) You skipped me in line by merging quietly.

13) You told me you don’t like my blog.

12) You got the parking spot I needed.

11) You pulled me over and gave me a ticket.

10) You don’t get me.

9) You’re lame.

8) You act like your life is perfect and you don’t have any mental health issues.

7) You have something I want and I don’t think you deserve it (Imma hater. And?)

6)  You lie.

5) You’re too honest.

4) You ignored me when I said hello/sent you that email asking for a favor.

3) You were mean to me.

2) You didn’t hold the door for me.

1) You didn’t say thank you when I held the door for you.

That’s all, folks.

not on the list: you take a picture of me during a feeding.

Not on the list: you take a picture of me during my morning feeding.

 

Am I A Hater?

haterade

So, there’s this blogger. She is one of the most popular female humor bloggers on the internet. She gets A LOT (700!) of likes on her posts and has like, some sort of New York Times best seller book thing going on. Here’s the thing: I don’t always think she is THAT funny. That’s all. She is funny but I’m just over that whole “I’m so crazy, look at all my meds!” humor. She also writes about cocaine. GASP. I think that is so very edgy, but also so very 5 years ago.

Now, to put things into perspective, she is like Beyonce of blogging and I am Nina Taylor, the girl who didn’t make the cut into Destiny’s Child. So it’s kinda like Nina walking around saying Beyonce can’t dance. I GET IT. But here’s my question: am I a hater for not thinking she is as awesome as other people think she is or do I just have refined taste? 

I just want to know what you think. And here are some additional facts: I NEVER, ever leave negative anonymous comments. I have dignity and will not succumb to the troll brotherhood.

And, as I was writing this, Vinny walked in, read the title outloud and answered yes. I hope that doesn’t influence your answer.

Bottom line: AM I A HATER? Circle yes or no. Or leave a comment because wouldn’t want you circling your computer screen.

 

On The Bitches And Bros Who Befriend The Burn

double sneeze

Anytime I see a chick update her status with “I love the burn!” I automatically assume she has a UTI and is having trouble urinating. Alas, this is not the case. Usually when a chick loves the burn, she is publically explaining that she loves the feeling of her muscles ripping inside her body for growth.

I don’t love the burn. Not the type when I have a UTI, not the type when I accidentally pour scalding water on myself and especially not when I’m working out.

I understand there is a neural association with the burn being a sign of success but honestly, I’d love the sign of success without the burn. I’d love the success without the discomfort of achy thighs and the difficulty walking up and down the stairs. I mean, there must be a better way to get fit without these uncomfortable side effects, which is what they are. People who love the burn have simply successfully convinced themselves that they enjoy it and more power to them. I am not there yet.

I have recently become more intimate with the side effects of exercise. Why? It’s not because I want to feel this ridiculous burn. It’s because summer is coming up and I plan on wearing provacative dresses and I want to look and feel hotter than Cholula. Nay. I want to look and feel better than everyone else. Because isn’t that the REAL goal? I mean, would you feel the burn if you didn’t have to? Would you feel the burn if the result wasn’t a side-by-side comparison of the old you and new and improved you? Would you feel the burn if you got zero likes on your carefully crafted side-selfies? NOPE. You’d be like, fuck this burn, I’m eating cake.

So, in the spirit of having a hot bod, I offer you this honest look into working out. This may or may apply to me.

Squat
You’re better than everyone else who is not squating at this moment.
Deep Lunge
Oh yeah, baby. That selfie is going to look real hot.
Squat
This effort better get me some attention on Facebook.
Deep lunge
Because this fucking burn sucks.
Squat
Oh yeah, I’m working out.
Deep Lunge
Like a BOSS
Squat
I can’t wait to be uncomfortable all night in a tight dress and heels.
Deep Lunge
This uncomfortable workout will be worth it then.
Squat
Fuck, this hurts. I hate you, burn. I hate you so much.
Deep Lunge
But I do this because I love to look hot.
Squat
But I also like to encourage others with my motivating messages.
Deep Lunge
Just kidding. I wish everyone stays fat and untoned.
Squat
Burn, baby burn.
deep lunge
Instagram, here i come.
Pushup & Plank
I hope people ask me where the bathroom is because my guns will point them in the right direction.
Planks
There goes that shitty burn again. But I’m committed. HURRAH! Because I want to…
plank
look hot
plank
for my husband
plank
and everyone else who has eyes
Plank
Because one like just isn’t enough.
Plank, hold for 45, cry.

Repeat x 3

#ilove(whenpeopleknowhowmuchilove)the burn #noyogaerrdamnday #fuckyouworkingout

What’s your workout? Please do share in the comments.