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Archive of ‘first world problems’ category

Awesome Relationship Advice By Dr. D-Money, The Hunny With Answers

I’ve wanted to have my own advice column ever since I started giving unsolicited advice to my friends and family. Turns out I’m really great at advising on topics I know very little about. But if my time spent studying positivity and motivation taught me anything, it’s that you don’t let obstacles like being unqualified stand in the way of your innate talents.

Nobody has emailed me any questions so I decided to hijack* a question from Bizarre Word Bazzaar, a blog I stumbled upon whilst searching for advice columns.

Dear Bubba,

I have been married for 8 years and my husband is a wonderful spouse. My complaint may seem shallow but please hear me out.
A couple of years back, he started buying me potted plants instead of cut flowers because “you get more for your money”. He buys me plants three or four times a year. Well, after receiving the third one I asked him to please stop it and to go back to buying the cut flowers. I neither like house plants nor do I want something I have to plant in the yard and water.
Despite this, he continues to buy me potted plants every time. Each time he claims he ‘forgot’.

Signed,
Sick of this!

Dear Sick of this!,

You’re not shallow – your husband is just thoughtless and not-at-all the wonderful guy he likely brainwashed you to believe he is.

Here’s the thing: your husband can’t get a clue because you’ve been married too damn long and he actually doesn’t give a shit about whether you like plants or not. He’s just pleased with himself that he bought you something but I assure you, you have the right to be angry as hell and not take it anymore. Here’s why.

If he told you he hates those shirts with the intimidating little alligator on the front who looks like he’s ready to eat the neighborhood children, you’d probably stop buying those types of shirts for him. Right? It’s called considerfuckingation and your husbands supply is low.

Fret not – I’ve developed a plan for under-appreciated wives just like you. It’s called TAPARS. This stands for The Awesome Passive Aggressive Revenge System. No one should have to live their lives with unwanted plants and it’s time you took a stand against this treachery. Allow me to show you how.

Below are three beginner options using TAPARS, proven to work only some of the time. I’ve provided visuals at no extra charge. I hope they are helpful.

1. Buy him three or four salmon-colored alligator shirts. When he expresses his disdain, say “Oops. I forgot. Like when you forget I hate plants. Guess we both have to deal with it.”

2. Cook him his least favorite meal. When he expresses his disdain, say “Oops, I forgot you hate tofu and kale salad. But the kale was on sale and a total bang for your buck!”

3. Buy him a lifetime supply of 2-blade razors. When he cuts his face, rejoice in his pain and say “Oops, I forgot you hate when your face bleeds from cheap razors. But they were on super sale. Not even a bang for your buck because it feels like I stole them.”

Screen Shot 2015-11-19 at 5.55.45 PM

Your husband may ask what’s gotten into you but the answer is simple: EMPOWERMENT, MOTHERFUCKER. Then calmly explain, yet again, your utter distaste for plants and end the talk with “can you hear me now?”

And that, dear Sick of this!, is how you get things done. Or divorced. Let me know how it goes for you. I’m also really good with Post-Marital Advice.

Love and peace,
Dr. D-Money, The Hunny With Answers

Have a relationship issue that’s destroying your life? Email me at imtoofancyblog(at) gmail.com and I will respond in the next installment of Awesome Relationship Advice By Dr. D-Money, The Hunny With Answers. I look forward to hearing about your sorrows.

*i’m too fancy does not endorse hijacking in real life. We apologize if the word hijack offends you.

25 Reasons I Might Not Like You

Not on the list: you drink my soda.

Not on the list: you drink my soda without permission.

I decided to look through my draft posts to see what I’ve written but never posted. This was a post I wrote on 9/4/2013. Not sure why I ordered the list in this way. I think it’s because in 2013, i did not understand how numbered lists work.

Also, the title should really be “25 Reasons I Know I Don’t Like You” but I decided not to edit. If I did, I’d have 50 more reasons I know I don’t like you. Added years have a funny way of making you dislike more people, you know? You know. 

If you’re also the type of person who doesn’t like humans who behave in an unsavory way, please leave a comment. Until then, enjoy.

The List

25) You flirted with my husband in front of me and then knowingly smirked at me.

24) You made fun of my weight.

23) There’s something about your face that just doesn’t suit my eyes.

22) The only content you post on Facebook is of your vacations.

21) You’re a humble brag and act as if the sun rises just so you can pirouette through the day.

20) I just don’t.

19) You don’t support the gays and their quest to marry.

18) You hurt animals.

17) You’re still talking about your wedding and it’s been more than two years.

16) You messed with my family.

15) You messed with my friends.

14) You skipped me in line by merging quietly.

13) You told me you don’t like my blog.

12) You got the parking spot I needed.

11) You pulled me over and gave me a ticket.

10) You don’t get me.

9) You’re lame.

8) You act like your life is perfect and you don’t have any mental health issues.

7) You have something I want and I don’t think you deserve it (Imma hater. And?)

6)  You lie.

5) You’re too honest.

4) You ignored me when I said hello/sent you that email asking for a favor.

3) You were mean to me.

2) You didn’t hold the door for me.

1) You didn’t say thank you when I held the door for you.

That’s all, folks.

not on the list: you take a picture of me during a feeding.

Not on the list: you take a picture of me during my morning feeding.

 

Letter To Myself

This is the first of hopefully many creative writing prompts to help me rid my life of writer’s block. It is a letter to myself as per Poets & Writers. Written on August 23, 2014 

Dear Diana,

Hello! How are you, gorgeous?

I am doing well. Just living life, ya know? Got my hair done today and am going to a wedding tomorrow. I guess you already know that though because, well, you’re me! And I’m you! Haha. Oh, we’re so funny.

My message to you this week is to stop being such a cry baby. Stop making excuses and get back to working out. Only 20 minutes! You can’t possibly be so lazy that you can’t find 20 minutes. Actually, since I know you, I know you can be that lazy but I encourage you not to be. Be wild and give it a whirl.

In addition, I hope you strive to be a better person this week. Please stop making rude comments to slow walkers. Remember the last time you made a snide remark to that guy walking down the train stairs at sloth speed? And then once you got down to the platform you realized he was injured and on crutches? Then, because the slow walker had all of your attention, you accidentally boarded the M train and didn’t realize it until you were in Williamsburg. You don’t want that happening again. Two words: instant-karma. You know it well but perhaps it’s time for a trial separation.

I have more to say but will hold off for now. I think it’s safe to say we’ve both had enough.

May you have a good week, smile, and don’t forget to write back.

Love,
Diana

Dear Solange

Dear Solange,

You so angry, girl. You like, really, really angry. Like maybe  you need to be sedated cray cray angry. And I’m DYING to know why.

Like most of America, I have watch the video (multiple times, and what?)  and have come to conclude that maybe you were defending your sister, Bey. The fact that she was just standing there to the side like nothing was happening indicates that she was in agreement with your actions. By not stopping you, she was silently cheering you on.

The thing is that I really need to know why you behaved this way. Did Jay cheat on Bey? Or was it something petty like he made fun of your hair and you were high on the sauce so you decided to assault him? Or maybe you’re just bi-polar and forgot your meds, which is A-OK.(The meds, not that you forgot to take them.) Whatever the case, I NEED TO KNOW.

You owe us, the American people who buy your sisters albums, an explanation. But I’m sure if you don’t give us one, TMZ will. I can’t wait.