By now you know I’m addicted to sugar. It’s a real struggle because all I want is the sweet nectar of a Lindt classic milk chocolate with almonds bar every single day. I can’t say no and I can’t be taken anywhere with sweets, because I will eat them all. I even took candy from a child this past Halloween. Don’t worry, I knew this child and while I did not steal his delicious candy, I was wearing an intimidating adult mask.
But this can’t go on, for several reasons. The first being that sugar kills. The second is that refined sugars cause inflammation in the entire body and this causes enzymes that break down collagen and elastin, resulting in sagging skin and wrinkles. The third is that it makes me feel like a sad dot hopping her way to a Zoloft prescription.
Here’s how I will overcome, since it’s necessity at this point.
1. Google “How to quit sugar”
Here is what I found:
- How To Quit Sugar In 5 Days via MindBodyGreen
- The 5 Phases Of How To Quit Sugar For Good via Women’s Health
- Quitting Sugar Is Not The Answer via Refinery29
Two anti-sugar articles plus one that tries to convince me that my detox is just a phase I’ll very quickly move on from is the perfect recipe for success.
I absorb the information and move on to step 2.
2. Make a do’s and don’ts food plan.
Will Eat: Fruits, I guess.
Won’t Eat: Anything that I crave.
3. Write a pep talk.
For when I feel like this experiment into being a healthy person is taking too much of my time.
Diana, you can do this. Your brain feels like a finger hosting a too-tight bandaid when you eat too much sugar. Stop making yourself feel like shit for the short high. JUST STOP IT, loser.
4. Write another pep talk.
To apologize for calling self a loser because that is a trigger that leads me straight into the arms of KitKatt, a gorgeous treat full of wafer goodness.
You are not a loser. Everyone falls off the lifestyle wagon. BECAUSE IT’S NOT ORGANIC OR NATURAL to be this perfect. Get back up there, champ! You can do it!
4. Develop a healthy relationship with that bland motherfucker, water.
Water is good for you. It’s refreshing. It’s full of wonderful healthy chemicals found naturally on Earth.
Water. Good. Drink. Now.
5. Refrain from saying things like “My water needs more chemicals.”
While 4-methylimidazole sounds like an amazing time, deep down inside I know it’s not.
6. Wonder why it’s preferred to be a refined person but not a refined person who smothers herself with refined sugar.
Do refined persons not indulge obsessively with refined sugars? Showoffs.
7. Think about the bad timing of this anti-sugar, anti-inflammatory lifestyle change.
The holidays are coming up! It’s rude not to eat at least five pastries, especially if the person baked them just for you. (Here’s looking at you master baker, Liz F.)
8. Realize that being an adult means sacrificing a good time for the greater good.
Being an adult sucks SO MUCH.
9. Read articles about how to spend the holidays NOT in a food coma.
Find said articles in every single lady magazine and blog.
10. DON’T EAT SUGARY JUNKFOOD
Quitting something means not doing it anymore. It really is that simple. Just don’t fucking eat it! Have the willpower to JUST. SAY. MAYBE NEXT TIME. When next time comes along, say the same thing. Repeat until you give in. And when you give in, refer to #4.
Of course there are more empathetic tips for people who are genuinely looking for support in their quest to quit sugar. This is not that post and for that I apologize.
But check back shortly to see how I’m doing without the sugar. I have taken baby steps by simply not buying the chocolate bar every day but hope to advance in my efforts by not buying it every other day either.
One day at a time, folks. It’s always about taking it one day at a time.