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Awesome Relationship Advice By Dr. D-Money, The Hunny With Answers

I’ve wanted to have my own advice column ever since I started giving unsolicited advice to my friends and family. Turns out I’m really great at advising on topics I know very little about. But if my time spent studying positivity and motivation taught me anything, it’s that you don’t let obstacles like being unqualified stand in the way of your innate talents.

Nobody has emailed me any questions so I decided to hijack* a question from Bizarre Word Bazzaar, a blog I stumbled upon whilst searching for advice columns.

Dear Bubba,

I have been married for 8 years and my husband is a wonderful spouse. My complaint may seem shallow but please hear me out.
A couple of years back, he started buying me potted plants instead of cut flowers because “you get more for your money”. He buys me plants three or four times a year. Well, after receiving the third one I asked him to please stop it and to go back to buying the cut flowers. I neither like house plants nor do I want something I have to plant in the yard and water.
Despite this, he continues to buy me potted plants every time. Each time he claims he ‘forgot’.

Signed,
Sick of this!

Dear Sick of this!,

You’re not shallow – your husband is just thoughtless and not-at-all the wonderful guy he likely brainwashed you to believe he is.

Here’s the thing: your husband can’t get a clue because you’ve been married too damn long and he actually doesn’t give a shit about whether you like plants or not. He’s just pleased with himself that he bought you something but I assure you, you have the right to be angry as hell and not take it anymore. Here’s why.

If he told you he hates those shirts with the intimidating little alligator on the front who looks like he’s ready to eat the neighborhood children, you’d probably stop buying those types of shirts for him. Right? It’s called considerfuckingation and your husbands supply is low.

Fret not – I’ve developed a plan for under-appreciated wives just like you. It’s called TAPARS. This stands for The Awesome Passive Aggressive Revenge System. No one should have to live their lives with unwanted plants and it’s time you took a stand against this treachery. Allow me to show you how.

Below are three beginner options using TAPARS, proven to work only some of the time. I’ve provided visuals at no extra charge. I hope they are helpful.

1. Buy him three or four salmon-colored alligator shirts. When he expresses his disdain, say “Oops. I forgot. Like when you forget I hate plants. Guess we both have to deal with it.”

2. Cook him his least favorite meal. When he expresses his disdain, say “Oops, I forgot you hate tofu and kale salad. But the kale was on sale and a total bang for your buck!”

3. Buy him a lifetime supply of 2-blade razors. When he cuts his face, rejoice in his pain and say “Oops, I forgot you hate when your face bleeds from cheap razors. But they were on super sale. Not even a bang for your buck because it feels like I stole them.”

Screen Shot 2015-11-19 at 5.55.45 PM

Your husband may ask what’s gotten into you but the answer is simple: EMPOWERMENT, MOTHERFUCKER. Then calmly explain, yet again, your utter distaste for plants and end the talk with “can you hear me now?”

And that, dear Sick of this!, is how you get things done. Or divorced. Let me know how it goes for you. I’m also really good with Post-Marital Advice.

Love and peace,
Dr. D-Money, The Hunny With Answers

Have a relationship issue that’s destroying your life? Email me at imtoofancyblog(at) gmail.com and I will respond in the next installment of Awesome Relationship Advice By Dr. D-Money, The Hunny With Answers. I look forward to hearing about your sorrows.

*i’m too fancy does not endorse hijacking in real life. We apologize if the word hijack offends you.

When One Spouse Is Neat And The Other Is Dirty Diana

not listening gif

When Vinny critiques me in a way that suggests I should improve (as a wife, as a human being), I tend to immediately start hearing loud horns blaring. Sometimes it sounds like a helicopter is hovering 10ft above my head and I JUST CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING. Whatever brain space I have left is used to come up with a clever critique right back at him. Because that’s what a healthy conversations are all about, amiright?

No, WRONG. You are not right, Diana. Because chances are, he is just expressing his dire frustration with something I’ve done. Or in this case, haven’t done.

Recently I heard through the noise and I actually understood a critique that he’s apparently been telling me for years. Allegedly, I am messy and dirty and just leave things places and don’t put them away and even when I do put them away I do so with so little love and care that I might as well have not touched it at all. (Aha!, my strategy has been uncovered.)

And by allegedly I mean it’s all true. Therefore, I have made efforts to change.

Here, I bestow upon you my cleaning diary.

  • I see an item out-of-place.
  • I look at it. Is it really out of place? Why does Vinny get to decide what is out of place. Maybe this is where this item is supposed to be right at this moment in time.
  • I walk away.
  • No wait! That is a load of chocolate-covered nonsense. It must be moved to the proper location.
  • I try to send it to it’s place with an old trick of mine, telekinesis.
  • Nothing happens.
  • I remember that I don’t have telekinses skills anymore. Damn lightening.
  • I send a signal to my brain to make me move the item to the proper location.
  • My brain doesn’t respond. It is confused. It doesn’t understand why this isn’t the items place. It can be if I want it to be.
  • Shut the FUCK UP, Diana’s Brain. Just shut up. This is a process of change.
  • I send a signal to the agreeable side of my brain to move my legs towards the item.
  • My legs move. Success! Step one done.
  • I send a signal to my brain to move my hands and pick up the item.
  • I send another signal to my brain to place the item in it’s “rightful” place.
  • I take my magazines, books, iPad, laptop and bring it to my office.
  • I come back.
  • I take my dirty socks, his dirty socks, my sweatshirt, and my bra and bring it to the bedroom. I sort the dirty stuff into the appropriate places, i.e. the hamper.
  • I come back.
  • I sit on the couch to Facebook and forget what I was doing.
  • I remember what I’m doing and continue cleaning.
  • An hour has passed.
  • I take the plates and cups and bring them to the kitchen. I put them in the sink because apparently that is where dirty dishes belong.
  • My brain is on fire! Literally. Being neat hurts, but at least I feel accomplished.
  • Eight hours later, the living room is neat.
  • But not clean. Apparently this deal requires me to sweep and Swiffer, too. I almost forgot. Almost 
  • The brain is confused. It thinks it’s snack time.
  • Maybe I’ll get to sweeping and swiffering tomorrow. Or maybe today, since I don’t want to fight. I weigh my options. To my customized broom I go.
  • I sweep and swiffer. I do my best and that’s the story I’m sticking with.
  • I’m done!
  • Next time I vow to clean better. Next time I will not ADD and will just do it. Next time I will hire a cleaning lady and take all the credit. Mrs. Doubtfire style.

Change requires time, effort and dedication and that is probably why so many people are stuck sucking at life. But not I! I will be different. I will become neat. I will. 

Or not. Probably not.

cleaning

YES! I’m The Third Search Result For This Amazing Keyword

This is a new warning box that was added to my WordPress toolbar. My warning is that I will use this box to write all sorts of non-warnings.

 

This is a disclaimer box. I disclaim that I will write non-warnings on random posts.

 

Are my boxes obnoxious? I wish there was a survey options so you can answer this question.

 

speedbump

Sorry for the clickbait title. I did it because I didn’t want to give the keyword away. I wanted you to click the post and actually read it. Mostly I just wanted you to help my Google Analytics appear more popular. I’m SO not sorry.

Checking my Google Analytics is a fun yet depressing activity. When I share a post on Facebook, many people read. When I don’t, not so many people read. I suppose I am just waiting for that one viral post to take i’m too fancy to the next level: INFAMY.

But I regress. Without further ado, the keyword (phrases are considered keywords in Google) is….can cocaine cause optic neuritis.

I suppose it’s too much to ask for a cocaine user to use a question mark when asking a question but I forgive. I’m more interested that someone actually wondered if cocaine use can cause your optic nerve to malfunction. Have I cocained incorrectly, I wonder? 

Just joshing! If MS taught me anything, it’s that the body is one sneaky motherfucker. And it also taught me that nobody knows anything about MS. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. While it’s unacceptable to say “I don’t know” in a business setting, it’s totally acceptable to say this as a medical professional. Because when you say “I don’t know,” your malpractice insurance goes down. If you don’t know, you can’t be held accountable. DUH.

Anywho, those lucky searchers landed on the educational post, True Life: My Optic Nerve Ran Away. I hope they found some solace and relief that cocaine does NOT cause optic neuritis. Not a doctor but I’m sure it doesn’t make it better so put that Parliament down RIGHT NOW. 

You know what does cause optic neuritis? I don’t know. Neither does my neurologist or any other human being on the face of this earth. We know Mars has water and who killed JFK but optic neuritis – nahhhh. Let’s just blame it on a confused and stupid immune system.

You’re fired, bro.

PS: My right eye has never fully recovered from optic nueritis. A darkness looms when I close my left eye and try to see with my right. It’s cool because it doesn’t affect me in any way besides being a boring conversation starter with another MSer. WINNING.

When Life Gives You Lemons…

i'm too fancy

  1. They are probably spoiled as fuck. They are probably not good enough for lemonade. They are probably not even good enough to be used as weapon to throw at your husbands.
  2. Some coffee shops don’t approve of you speaking on your phone. But what is the difference between my phone call and the loud conversations people have with no respect for others? What about mothers with squealing babies? These things are also desruptive. If I can’t conduct a business call while sipping on overpriced coffee, there should be a SHUT THE FUCK UP NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE rule at coffee shops.
  3. If you are a feminist, you believe in the equal rights for women AND men. So why is  there no outrage that some pap got a photo of Justin Bieber’s wanker? Just because he is a guy? That is messed up. If we want equality for the sexes, a nude photo of Justin should inspire the same outrage as a nude photo of Jennifer Lawrence. For the record, I look at ALL naked celeb pictures. Because EQUALITY. :::air fist pump:::
  4. The only thing I miss about high school is my attention span. I was able to sit and write for hours and hours and hours. Maybe because I didn’t have many friends? No, it’s because I had PASSION. Now I need a pill for passion but even then it’s not that effective. RIP passion brain cells. I miss you so much. I wish you were still around so we could cuddle and create masterpieces together.
  5. I once told my fathers friend that I was writing a book. I was probably 18 when I said that and now whenever he sees me, he asks about my book. Last time he saw me, he mentioned that he’d looked for my book at the store. He thought I had written it long ago. This is the quickest way to a brief period of depression – being reminded of a dream not yet accomplished.
  6. I would like to write a book but please refer to #4.
  7. I’m a big believer that if you want something badly enough, you will make it happen. But whatever, refer to #4 again. I lost my passion brain cells and I don’t know how to get them back.
  8. Working out would probably help. Working out actually makes me super excited, which is odd since i loathe organized physical activity. I guess that is science working my body without permission.
  9. Another quick way to get depressed is to know you have the power to change but you’re too lazy to do it.
  10. I was stable before my energy wrote this post. Now I want to go hug myself. Maybe even say a few kind words to myself. Like, it’s okay you haven’t worked hard on your dream. Don’t cry. No, really. Please stop crying.
  11. I’m not really crying.
  12. Yet. My tears have a mind of their own. They do as they please, like a cat.

Hope you’re enjoying your day off celebrating a sadistic rapist murderer who didn’t even discover America. And I’m not talking about the natives who lived here first. That bro landed on the Bahamas and never even stepped a murderous foot on North “American” soil. Bro thought he was in Asia till the day he died in shame and poverty. Rapist bro most likely brought syphilis to Europe. Bro doesn’t deserve a national holiday, although his way really is the American way.

Free Drugs From Biogen!

freecandy

Today I was approved to be a part of the Free Drug program with Biogen. This means I will be getting my Tecfidera for FREE. Totally free. I’m glad the trend of getting my drugs for free continues.

Here is a tidbit of how that unicorn magic happened.

Linda: Diana, you’ve been approved to be a part of the Free Drug program. I’m going to read you a disclaimer to make sure you understand the rules.

Me: Sure.

Linda: Yadda, Yadda, Yadda, free drugs until September 2016.

Me: So, free?

Linda: Yes, free.

Me: As in zero dollars?

Linda: Yes. Free.

Me: I was just making sure we had the same definition of free. Thank you, Linda.

Linda: You’re welcome. Just let us know if anything changes.

Me: Nothing will change. Because FREE DRUGS!

Linda: Okay, goodbye ma’am.

Usually when you get approved for anything free it means you’re too po’ to afford it. And usually I would be ashamed to admit I am too po’ to afford it but not this time. Tecfidera costs $56K a year if you pay out of pocket. That is $4,666.66667 a month.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence there are so many 6’s in that number because that shit is devilish.

But it’s fine since I also know how expensive it is to bring a drug to market. Very expensive. Science isn’t cheap, my friends.

Now that I don’t have to worry about spending my hard earned money on my health, I will stress instead about the side effects of my free drugs. Flushing and gastrointestinal issues are the flavors of Tecfidera and this means I may be shitting my pants for two weeks while my body adjusts. My nether region will be out-of-service and I guess I’ll have to find another way… I always find another way. 

Mozel Tov and Shana Tova!

Biogen Tecfidera Free

 

An Open Letter To My Husband: Anniversary Edition

meandvinny

Dear husband, lover & best friend,

Happy Anniversary to us!

Can you believe it’s been three magical years since Zohra banged two rocks together and pronounced us husband and wife? I can’t. It feels like time zoomed past us like a car whose doors open up.

This year, I decided to go HAM with my PDA because…why not?

I love you so much. SO MUCH. That is why I am sometimes crazy and chase you around the apartment with a knife. My passion game is strong and directly related to my love for you. Bill Burr was right about that. 

My love and passion is so strong that if the zombie apocalypse were to come to New York City and we were being chased by flesh eating monsters and they were closing in on us, I’d push you towards them so they can bite you first. Then I would lay down and let you have your zombie way with me. This applies to werewolves and vampires as well although I prefer we both become vampires so we can literally be together forever. Fun, right?! Right! 🙂 

My love and passion is so strong that if we lived in a dystopian land and we were separated into quads based on talent, I would learn how not to use my fingers for basic additions like 8 + 5.  That is easy and why I am able to do it now. So we can be roomies in the math quad.

My love and passion is so strong that if you decided to give up on Brooklyn for the “greener” pastures of New Jersey, I would fight with you about it until I had no more energy to fight and I’d give up my “beautiful” Brooklyn and I’d move with you.

Because it’s no fun being here if you are over there.

My love and passion is so strong that I will learn how to dust for you so that you come home and there is not a dust particle in sight. Dusting is so easy, you say. But it’s not so recognize my love and passion also means an exorbitant amount of effort to training my eyes to become microscopes so that I can see the dust and properly remove it. Fuck off, hussy dust! You are toast. 

My love and passion is so strong that I will remove all toast crumbs from the couch before you sit down. It’s only fair.

There’s more but none of it is appropriate for public consumption but here’s a hint: PG-13 cuddle later?

I love you, amore! You inspire me and I’m proud to be your wife. Cheers to three years and many many more. Because they say marriage is till death do us part but I promise, I have no real intentions of killing you. I hope you feel the same.

Love, love, love you!

 

How To Get Over Fear: 28 Quotes That Will Set You Free

How To Get Over Fear

If fear and I were a couple, our Facebook relationship status would be “It’s complicated.”

There have been times in my life where I have been daring and fearless, ready to take on the unknown. During those times, I didn’t even consider failure was an option. Other times I’ve cuddled myself in the fetal position and listed all of the reasons I shouldn’t do something. That is the most fucked up feeling because it’s restricting and limiting.

One area of my life where I’m scared shitless is my writing. At some point I became very insecure about my words and the order in which I placed them. Also the topics, which remain mostly the same: completely random. I still have no idea what i’m too fancy means or what it is about.

But what I do know is when and why this fear nonsense happened. The truth is that I just got stuck in my own head. Nobody but me stopped me from writing. Admitting this makes me want to kick myself in the vagine because accepting responsibility for my own actions is painful. I rather blame someone else, you know? You know. 

But that is the past! And we are now in the present. And I have no fear of failure! Just kidding. I’m totally scared of failure but it won’t stop be from trying. Usually. 

This is where quotes come in. I love quotes because they are shorter than a book. I figure if I read enough quotes it’s kind of like I read a self-help book. Right? Right.

If you’re the same, enjoy these short sentences and I hope they inspire you and give you the feels necessary to not be a scaredy cat. Follow your dreams, people! You’ll be dead soon anyway. 

  1. “Success is often achieved by those who don’t know that failure is inevitable.” – Coco Chanel
  2. “Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.” – George Edward Woodberry
  3.  “I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying.” – Michael Jordan
  4.  “Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.” – Steve Jobs
  5.  “He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat.” ― Napoléon Bonaparte
  6.  “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” – Robert F. Kennedy
  7.  “It’s failure that gives you the proper perspective on success.” – Ellen DeGeneres
  8.  “Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.” – Lance Armstrong
  9.  “We are all failures – at least the best of us are.” – J.M. Barrie
  10.  “What is the point of being alive if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable?” – John Green
  11.  “I failed my way to success” – Thomas Edison
  12.  “Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt” – William Shakespeare
  13.  “Every failure brings with it the seed of an equivalent success.” – Napoleon Hill
  14.  “The greatest men sometimes overshoot themselves, but then their very mistakes are so many lessons of instruction.”  -Tom Browne
  15.  “Success represents the 1% of your work which results from the 99% that is called failure.” – Soichiro Honda
  16.  “I’ve come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy.” – Tony Robbins
  17.  “If you learn from defeat, you haven’t really lost.” – Zig Ziglar
  18.  “If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.” – Woody Allen
  19.  “There is no impossibility to him who stands prepared to conquer every hazard. The fearful are the failing.” Sarah J. Hale
  20.  “Fear of failure must never be a reason not to try something.” – Frederick Smith
  21.  “If you are not big enough to lose, you are not big enough to win.” – Walter Reuther
  22.  “I’m intimidated by the fear of being average.” – Taylor Swift
  23.  “Don’t be afraid to fail. Don’t waste energy tryingto cover up failure. Learn from your failures and go on to the next challenge. It’s OK to fail. If you’re not failing, you’re not growing.” – H. Stanley Judd
  24.  “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up” – Thomas Edision
  25.  “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to continually be afraid you will make one.” – Elbert Hubbard
  26.  “We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” – Plato
  27.  “The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.” – H. P. Lovecraft
  28.  “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.” – Mark Twain

Now go do that thing you were scared to do.

If you fail, it’s only your first lesson. You have WAY more to go.

Good luck and cheers to getting unstuck from the prison that is your mind.

Things That Concern Me

i'm too fancy lifestyle blog

These are the things that keep me up at night.

  • My hump, my lovely lady lump. On my back. I really need to improve my posture.
  • The fact that I bought a 3-blade razor because it was on sale. My legs look like I got into a scuffle with a feral cat.
  • La Yogurt.
  • When you google US Soccer Team only the men’s team shows up, even though they fucking suck and the women are champions.
  • Stella. She just won’t go away. Stella is the pimple living on my face. Bitch.
  • Habits. Specifically: why it’s so easy to have bad habits and so hard to form good habits. 21 days is a long ass time.
  • My memory. I’m always forgetting that I’m trying to form new positive habits.
  • The distress I feel when I’m reading a book, don’t know what a word means and I try to highlight said word but the definition doesn’t pop up and it takes me too long to realize I’m reading an old school paper book that isn’t as advanced as my Kindle.
  • Instagram popularity. Follow me and help me feel like a more popular human. Because we all know that is what’s really matters in life.
  • My obsession with using ! and 🙂 when corresponding online with others because I don’t want to sound rude even though I shouldn’t really care. WHY DO I CARE?
  • The fact that Michael Jackson wrote a song especially for me and it’s perfect. Stay tuned for a post about that.

That’s all, folks.

Clearly a slow writing week for me. But fret not, there will be more substance shortly.

xo,
D

The Dreams I Used To Have

Flying Squirrel on i'm too fancy

I: The Flying Dream

I’ve turned right out of my building and I’m trying to fly to the corner. But I can’t fly. I use every ounce of my energy to lift off but I never make it anywhere. I’m basically jumping and then flying two inches.

Other people are able to fly high. I don’t see them but I know flying is a thing and others are doing it better.

I wake up defeated. Angry. Upset. I hate this dream.

II: The Quicksand Dream

I’ve turned a right out of my building but I can’t walk. I am in quicksand. I lift my legs but I barely move forward.

Other people are not in quicksand. I don’t see them but I know walking on asphalt is a thing and others are walking freely.

I wake up feeling defeated. Angry. Upset. I hate this dream more.

The frustrating part is that I’m trying to go the right way. Do you know how hard it is to walk in quicksand when you have somewhere to be? Like trying to walk around tourists in Time Square during winter break when you have an interview in five minutes but you’re four blocks away. The struggle is real.

Theses dreams plagued me for years. YEARS. I’ve had them for so long that I don’t know when they started.

But I do know when they stopped.

After I was diagnosed with MS. I shit thee not. While I still have flying dreams, I am able to lift off and fly a longer distance before gravity pulls me back to earth. Now I feel semi-accomplished when I wake.

I think it’s pretty fucking awesome that my brain knew something was wrong before my body caught up with a symptom. It’s like my brain was trying to tell me something but my body laughed and said “Haha! Not yet, grasshopper. Not yet.”

That’s all.

Sleep tight, lovelies. May you dream only of gold glitter, rainbows and unicorns.

An Open Letter To Dan Bilzerian

Dan B

Dear Dan Bilzerian,

I was so excited to see you as a guest on the show “The Comments Section” on E! I was watching the tube while I waited for my laundry to be done swirling in heat (your clothes probably just show up clean, right?), and I clapped when your hairy face walked on stage.

For one, I sometimes want to be you. When I’m having a particularly bad woman day full of emotion, feelings and cramps, I say to myself “I wish I were a man! Dan Bilzerian to be exact.” I put this thought out into the universe because that is The Secret and my hope is that one day I’ll wake up and be you. I wouldn’t even question it or act horrified like they do in the movies. I’d just yank my new wank, walk on to my deck, jump off the yacht and go for a morning swim around the Riviera as a bevy of babes prepared my breakfast.

I was also excited to see you because I have a question for you. I was hoping the host, Michael Kosta, would ask and lucky me, he did!

After showing a video of a yacht party with a bunch of gyrating hot girls that are about to age out, Michael asked if you ever get bored of that. 

You looked at the video, then the camera, smirked, and said “That doesn’t look boring to me.”

It doesn’t! I know a bunch of men who’d love to watch (touch, and do the sex with) girls licking champagne off each others firm bodies. My husband is one of those mens. Like, duh. No fucking kidding your yacht party is the most non-boring male playground in existence.

But you didn’t answer the question.

No, it doesn’t look boring but does it ever bore you? DOES IT? I think it might. The same thing all the time gets boring, in marriage and in the single life. So, as I examined your eyes and your bashful smile, I determined that yes, you do get bored by that scene.

His next question was about love. Have you ever been in love?

You said yes. Once or twice. You blushed. It was cute! A hairy-faced man in love always tickles my lady pickle.

But then you said the only pussy you’re in love with nowadays is your cat, the sexy feline sensation known as Smushball.

I saw the sadness in your eyes. (Do you need a hug? OK!) I also saw that what you really want in life is a nice girl with a banging body, her own bank account, and someone who can hold an interesting conversation, and not just on her ass cheeks. Maybe she even has a career of her own that doesn’t involve being naked. Imagine that!

Since the girls you surround yourself with look like they collectively have the IQ of a kakapo, I see why you’re having difficulty finding real true love. Fret not, I have a solution!

Because I am a kind and giving woman, I’d like to offer myself for your love. (For your consideration: I have abs, a bi-coastal accent, cook really well sometimes, am exceptional at beard petting, and have the IQ of a goat.) With this love, I allow you to send drones to my neighborhood to check up on me, invite me to your yacht parties, and throw me off a roof. I won’t sue!

Of course, my husband might be jealous because he has been trying to throw me off a roof for years. But whatever, enough about him, let’s talk about US. Even though I’m not quite available, that is the most intense sort of love. Something to work hard for. A challenge, if you will.

Think about it, won’t you? It will be more fun this way.

Dan, I hope you find that special someone to take to Applebee’s on a Friday night even if it’s not me. I think you’re  a cuddle bear with a sweet and gentle heart and deserve the embrace of someone who truly cares about you and Smushball. The type of care that will still be felt if your millions and sexy ass beard are long gone. Don’t shave. Ever. 

Until then, keep calm and party on.

Best,
Dan Diana

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