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Passive Aggressive Notes To My Neighbors

Hey there. I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while. Where was I, you ask? I was up to no good, starting trouble in my neighborhood.

I didn’t get into any fights, though. Because I’m passive aggressive. Instead, I wrote a note to my filthy, disgusting neighbors on proper trash disposal etiquette in the form of a threatening letter messily taped to the elevator door.

What had happened is this: One football Sunday not too ago, I went to throw out some garbage. Upon opening the door to the incinerator room, my nose was assaulted by the stench of an expired Edible Arrangements fruit basket. The basket was placed near the trash, as if the tenant was just too tired to follow through and complete the task. Suffice it to say, this enraged me.

Because I knew who the neighbor was, I decided I would take the fruit basket and leave it on their doorstep. I went to discuss my deviously genius plan with Vinny and I was super excited. He wasn’t. He was busy watching football but paid attention long enough to tell me I probably shouldn’t do that. I hesitantly agreed but I was still annoyed. I continued to review my options. If I couldn’t place the fruit basket on their doorstep, what could I do?

I decided to write them, and every other dirty neighbor, a kind note and tape it ever so gently upon the elevator door where everyone could see it.

letterondoor

I also put up a note on the incinerator door which was more to the point.

photo

Please excuse my sloppy handwriting and wayward blue tape. I was enraged and had no nerves to make it look neat.

Anyways, that’s not the point. The point is that right after I taped the note up, I heard the displicable neighbor going to throw out garbage. My apartment is across from the incinerator so I saw her carrying bags of trash and a couple of boxes. She took her time throwing her stuff out and I imagined that she was ashamed of being disgusting and so she was putting in some extra effort. I was pleased. Because I am a creep and one of those people, I went to investigate and see if she got the point, just to appease my curiosity. And guess what. She did!

The next day Vinny and I were waiting for the elevator and I read my note again. I was feeling super pleased with myself until I saw my glaring error. I was shocked to see that I had either forgotten a word (there was clearly a space) or used “an” before a word starting with a consonant. I was slightly embarrassed but figured I just MS-brained it and forgot to add the word. Just had to edit the note and make it correct. Which I did.

photo1

There has been order in the incinerator lately. People actually throwing out their garbage instead of leaving it on the recycle bin. Even the building super thanked me and asked me to make one for every floor. This delights me greatly although yesterday I saw a giant rotting bouquet of flowers just sitting there. I know it was the same neighbors because they were celebrating a wedding and were making a mess outside, too.

Thing is that I now either have to actually buy a little camera to catch them so that I don’t feel guilty putting trash on their doorstep OR become an adult and confront them. I’m thinking I will confront them and actually start an uncomfortable war with my dirty neighbors.

Do you have dirty neighbors who don’t understand the concept of throwing out garbage? How do you deal with them?

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Why I’m Not Taking A DMD

I haven’t written about MS in a while even though I consider this an MS blog. It’s just that nothing has really inspired me to write about it. Probably because I’m sitting comfortably in a place where I just don’t want to deal with it. I know this is wrong of me to do but sometimes I just forget I have MS. Or rather, I want to forget I have MS. Sometimes I just want to be like the other kids! I want pizza and soda and fries and chips and I want to not have to take medicine or even think about taking medicine.

But that’s not reality. Reality is that I do have to think about these things, particularly medicine.

I’m not currently taking any DMD’s and I’ve written about this decision over at Stumbling in Flats, an MS blog by Barbara from the UK. That’s her below with her son, The Teenager. Barbara was gracious enough to share her bandwidth with me and so you can read my post, By Doing Nothing, I Am Doing Something. The comments are great too and offer a different perspective. Thanks again, Barb!

stumbling in flats ms blog

Barbara and The Teenager are visiting New York next year and I’m excited to meet my international MS pal. It’s going to be a grand ole’ time…if we have the energy to make it so. But at the very least we’ll be drinking something together and I’m sure we’ll both blog about it. Until then, read my post about my decision not to take medicine.

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Dear Eli

Dear Eli,

Hi. How are you? Probably not so good after yesterdays game. It’s okay because you’re not alone. My husband Vincent is also upset. Very upset. You ruined his Sunday and he started drinking because of you. This displeases me greatly since I take a certain pride in being the only one who can drive him to the bottle. At least you’ve won at something this week.

Now, before I go on I’d like to confess that I am not a football fan. While I know Jay Cutler is married to Kristen Cavallari and Eric Decker has a reality show on VH1, I don’t watch any games.  I respect the sport though and think it’s awesome in theory, but I simply don’t have the emotional bandwidth to allow a group of 22 men dictate how I’m going to feel. One is enough and that one is currently super pissed off at you. I heard him yell terrible things at you. Things so terrible I can’t repeat. You know what that means for me? Means I have to deal with a moody husband. My least favorite type of husband.

Eli – I know you know how to play football. You’ve won Super Bowls! Two of them! You’re a skilled quarterback despite your effort to prove otherwise yesterday but I still believe in you. Your fans still believe in you and probably even your parents still believe in you, although I’d bet money on which son is their favorite. Don’t you want to be the favorite son? Don’t you?

Talk to someone. Talk to a therapist. Talk to your wife or mom. Talk to someone who cares and won’t yell at you. Something is clearly wrong and talking usually helps. Figure out the block inside of you that is making you suck more than Mark Sanchez. Or worse, the Buffalo Bills. I don’t even know why Mark Sanchez sucks but that’s what Google told me. And the Bills? The red-headed step child of professional football. Again, a majority opinion online. You can do better, Eli. You can do so much better.

In conclusion, whenever I’m sucking at life, I take a break and have some quiet time. Then I commit to doing the opposite of what I’ve been doing. This usually works. Give it a whirl and see you next week. Hopefully with a different type of letter.

Sincerely and with genuine hugs and kisses,

The wife of a pissed off fan

Jason Biggs' dogs Gina and Teets ready to watch you lose.

Jason Biggs’ dogs Gina and Teets ready to watch you lose.

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The Potato Chip Story

To be or not to be single

Vinny and I were having lunch with our friend Daniel. Daniel is a bachelor and whenever we hang out, we always end up talking about relationships. Mostly because Vinny and I are perfect and we want to spread our perfect relationship vibes upon him. The problem is that he doesn’t care at all. He cares so little, in fact, that he likes to wax poetic about the advantages of hanging out with multiple people and not settling down with just one lucky lady.

Daniel: So you know how people like potato chips? You go to the supermarket and they have those variety packs and you’re like, yay! you get to try a little of everything.

I could see Vinny from the corner of my crazy eye. He was nodding.

Diana: WHAT?!

Vinny: What?

Diana: Are you trying to say you want a variety bag?

Vinny: No, I’m just living vicariously through him.

It’s all fun and games until Vinny says something silly.

Diana: So you know how some people decide they wanted plain potato chips and one day they’re like, “wow. I’m so bored with this plain ole’ chip. I want me some vicarious flavor. I want a BBQ potato chip.” So he goes off and tries the BBQ chip but then he realizes that wow! the bbq chip is actually a plain chip but with a lot of cancer-causing colorful chemicals.  It tastes good only because it’s different but after a while you figure out that all chips are the same. Then he realizes the plain chip is where his heart is at but by then it’s too late and plain chip is all like, “get the [BEEP] out of my house you no-good vicarious variety chip taster! Go to Daniel’s house, filth!”

I think Vinny learned his lesson about what will happen if he starts eating anything vicariously through anyone. Nothing good. Nothing good at all.

And Daniel? He is still sampling flavors until he finds his perfect plain chip. My one suggestion would be to stop sampling chips because they are quite unhealthy and probably crazy and have more issues than Vogue. Perhaps try some apples? There are just as many apples in the sea.

I don’t know what I mean either.

Does your husband make jokes about sampling variety packs? Do you? And most importantly, what is your favorite chip flavor?  Let’s talk about this in the comments!

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Goodbye, Breaking Bad [Spoilers]

Breaking Bad is over and my heart feels a little empty. Kinda. More so yesterday. Today I am making an effort to move on and so I am researching other TV shows. The best way to get over one TV show is with another TV show even if it’s not as good. Must keep mind occupied long enough and maybe I’ll eventually forget Sunday’s feel different.

I liked the finale. I’m happy Jesse lived and Walt died peacefully. Or at least somewhat peacefully. He accomplished his ultimate goal which was to leave money to his family and he did. He also died saving Jesse in a way and so that was lovely. However, I’m still worried about that confession video which was last seen at the Nazi’s compound. Did they destroy that?! I don’t remember. If not, Jesse will be on the run for a long time. Also, once Flynn (Walt, Jr) learns his father didn’t really kill Hank, he can use all of the money coming to him to get therapy. I mean, he told his dad to die and that’s pretty serious don’t you think? I think.

I ended up preordering the Breaking Bad: The Complete Series because I am that obsessed. Vinny was like, but you watched it already. And I was like, AND? I’ll watch it again. And again. And again. I will watch until the DVD doesn’t work but what I really want is the behind the scenes stuff. The stuff they don’t show you on TV. And also the Los Pollos Hermanos apron. And it comes in a barrel! I am going to be so cool.

Breaking Bad DVD Set

If I find myself feeling too sad, I can just turn on the TV because the cast of Breaking Bad is everywhere. Last night I saw Badger on CBS’s Mom with Anna Faris and Allison Janney. The show, created by Chuck Lorre, is cute and so I’ll be DVR’ing. Dean Norris (Hank) is on Under the Dome on CBS and Betsy Brandt (Marie) is on The Michael J. Fox Show. Aaron Paul also has a lot of movies coming out and Bryan Cranston will have no troubles picking what he wants to do next. Anna Gunn is currently filming a TV movie and I’m sure that contract was signed before she won her Emmy. Either way, good for them.

Okay. Now I’m done writing about Breaking Bad. My emotional stability depends on it.

And now I will take a break from this world. I found this 8tracks radio player a whiles ago and had this mix in a draft post, figuring I’d eventually use it as a soundtrack. I think this post requires a soundtrack and so here it is. Enjoy.

And then tell me what you think. Did you watch Breaking Bad? Did you like the finale? And what are you watching now? Let’s chat about it in the comments.

take a rest from our thoughts take a brake from this world from wilson15 on 8tracks Radio.

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I Was Publicly Shamed for Sending Candy Crush Game Notifications

The other day I was publicly Candy Crush shamed by my friend Misha on Facebook.

I’d been playing a lot that day. Truth is I developed an addiction to crushing candies. It’s serious. I couldn’t stop and I needed more lives. I was so deep in my addiction that I didn’t care who I sent alerts to.

But Misha cared. A lot. Maybe too much. He was annoyed that I was sending out invites daily (which I wasn’t because my addiction is new, thankyouverymuch) and he wasn’t afraid to show how he really felt about it.

But instead of simply emailing me about it (or that other less annoying option I’ll note later), he instead took his frustration to my profile. Assisted by a screenshot of the alert (because I wouldn’t believe him otherwise?), he told me I was being distasteful. Distasteful! It’s a good word. I’ve heard it many times to describe my behavior but never about my Facebook activity. I was crushed!

I said sorry. This is what happened next.

Convo

The only reason I said sorry was because I was embarrassed. Embarrassed about my addiction and embarrassed by being cornered on my own page. But that lasted about two minutes because then I became perturbed by the exchange. I was no longer sorry.

For one, I wasn’t a fan of his tone. Don’t be coming to my page with your chest all puffed out like a big man on campus and have a tone with me. Who do you think you are, Misha, trying to corner me into candy crush shame? This homey don’t play that. For two, I don’t like when men talk down to me. When it comes to men, the only tone I accept is gentle and sweet. Anything else and I get defensive. I get strong urges to claw your organs out of your body while you’re still breathing and throw them at you.

Then I was like, dude, learn how to use Facebook. It’s been around long enough. It’s quite distasteful that you tried to manage how I play my games instead of learning how to manage alerts & notifications on your end.  It’s a google search away, bro. You know what Google is, right? It’s a search engine where you can search for information. (I teach an Internet 101 class to elders on the weekend if you’re interested to learn more.)

how
Okay, I’ll make it easy for you. Here is how you do it. Someone actually sent me this game alert. It almost ended my life. Almost.

Screen Shot 2013-09-25 at 7.02.51 PM

Ultimately my real question is this: If you have enough time to screenshot the notification, put it on my page and then engage in witty banter such as “you sent it to everyone, including my neighbor” (hahaha. haha. ha.), my one and only question is this – why aren’t you playing candy crush?  Looks like you have enough time.

I feel like if people devoted more time to playing awesome addictive games on facebook, they would be less bothered by irrelevant notifications about said additive game. If you played and saw the alert, you’d be like, YES! Someone sent me a life and extra moves and the next minute and a half of my life will be so awesome. It’s not what happens but how you react to what happens!

By the end of this post, my hope is that Misha will learn how to live peacefully on Facebook without being a nuisance to his friends. Ironic, isn’t it?

You should also know that I have sent Misha a few game invites right before I published this. Why? Because I’m spiteful. Also because no one puts baby* in a corner. NO ONE. But since we’re friends in real life and I will be seeing him soon, I am prepared to offer hugs if it really disturbed him in a serious way that requires therapy.

game notification

* I am Vinny’s baby and therefore have permission to use this line. Deal with that, too. Mmm k.

What do you think? Should people stop sending thoughtless game notifications or should people learn how to block those alerts? Let’s talk about it in the comments.

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About My Talented Girl Crushes

I’m really into talented women and I feel like I should be hanging out with them. I’m speaking specifically about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Also Mindy Kaling and Lena Dunham. Funny, talented female writers and comedians are my cup of organic tea and I’m obsessed.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler at Emmy's 2013 GIF

I want to be the fly on the wall as they bang away on their keyboards and write their shows and books. I know watching someone write sounds boring but that’s the thing – it only sounds boring. In reality it would be a lot of fun to watch. This is what I imagine it would be like:

Girl sits at desk. Girl stares at blank screen. Girl writes sentence. Girl deletes sentence. Girl goes to kitchen. Girl has brilliant thought on way to kitchen. Girl runs back to computer. Girl writes brilliant thought even though she forgot half of it. Girl continues to write. Girl deletes half of what she has written. Girl takes break. Girl wonders if it’s okay to take break only ten minutes after starting. Girl stuffs face with Trader Joe’s gluten free chocolate brownies to fuel creativity. Girl repeats for ten hours straight.

Okay, FINE. That’s how I do it but that’s why I want to see how they do it. Either way, it’s a good time. And when the writing is done, the awards shows begin and it’s time to look pretty.

Mindy Kaling Emmys 2013

Look at the beautiful Mindy and her honest hips. She writes, directs and stars in her own show which I think is as fabulous as she looks.

You won’t believe it but her and I have a lot in common. Mainly we are both children of immigrant parents who had great expectations for their offspring.  She is Indian and her parents expected her to be a doctor. I am Russian and my parents also wished I would become a doctor, lawyer or anything that would make them popular amongst their friends. Unfortunately neither set of parents wished hard enough.

Mindy went on to play a doctor and I visit many doctors. We would have a lot to discuss if we were to hang out. Ours is a friendship that would just make sense.

Lena Dunham and I have a lot more in common. Or maybe Hannah Horvath and I have a lot more in common. Lena is a writer playing a writer with angst issues. Been there, am there. Love her even though she chooses to dress in a way that will start conversations about beauty and I’m like, COME ON LENA. Look cute for me, just this one time.

Lena Dunham Emmys 2013

But I love these chicks regardless of what they wear. Dresses come and go but their brilliance is forever.

On that note, I hope Tina and Amy host the Golden Globes again because girls rule and boys drool.

Share your thoughts!

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The Time I Met Dina Lohan and She Was Drunk

Me and Dina Lohan Dina Lohan was arrested for DUI last week and this post is going to be me exploiting her troubles for Facebook Likes.

I met Dina Lohan in 2008 at a Dave Mathews Cancer Benefit Concert. Julia Roberts was there. So was Gossip Girl hot stuff Chase Crawford (beyond perfect). Samantha Ronson was the DJ. Lindsay wasn’t there. Dina was drunk.

I approached her, because that’s what I do, and we had a brief chat. She told me that magazines make up stories and she asked me not to put the picture up on Facebook.

Meeting Dina Lohan

“I promise. I won’t.”

And I didn’t at the time. I could have but I didn’t. Or maybe I did. Honestly I don’t remember.

She continued to slur her words and wobble. Now that I think about it, maybe she has MS? JK! She was definitely drunk. And it appears that she continued to enjoy the spiked punch. Unfortunately this time she decided to drive. Thankfully no one got hurt.

It’s kinda sad, isn’t it?. It doesn’t take a degree to see that Dina Lohan is an alcoholic. And so is Lindsay, which she recently admitted to Oprah. Lindsay got the help she needed and I hope Dina will follow in her daughters footsteps. Not only because she should save herself but because Lindsay deserves a sober mother.

Why do I care? BECAUSE I DO.

Because I want to see people do well, especially those who are troubled. Also because I am a glutton for punishment and love to support people who will likely stumble. But so far so good. Dina, Linds and the rest of the family recently celebrated Dina’s 51st birthday and no one orders an alcoholic beverage. Mozel Tov!

What are your thoughts? Do you care about celebrities like they are your long lost friends? Do you think Lindsay will stay sober or will Dina destroy her chances? Let’s talk about it!

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Dunkin’ Donuts Coffee Made Me Psychotic

How to Throw a Pity Party

I don’t always attend pity parties but when I do, Hormona throws them for me.

The party is thrown in a dark room with no visible light. The decor matches my soul on bad days – cluttered and antagonizing.

I used to think that Hormona was my alter-ego when I was PMS’ing but I have since learned that I am capable of being irrational and moody during any day of the month.

Hormona was recently present during a time in which I started to develop psychotic tendencies. The odd thing is that I was doing well and nothing was wrong. I was eating well, working out and getting along with Vinny. The only difference in my life was that I had started drinking Dunkin Donut K Cup coffee again.

It was weird to say the least. Feeling like everything was wrong while knowing it wasn’t – it was like a cruel joke my feelings were playing on my mind. It was very uncomfortable and I felt like I needed to escape my own body. I squirmed a lot. You know, because I was trying to escape myself.

Anyway. The DD coffee summoned Hormona from her slumber and this is what happened.

Diana: Good morning, world! I am ready for you, day. And Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.

{sip, sip, sip}

Hormona: You have MS. Nothing ever goes your way.

Diana: What? Where’d you come from? Why does it feel like you just kicked me in the gut?

Hormona: You probably have gut damage. It’s all that garbage you eat. Like those butter-filled croissants. You disgusting peasant! I want one.

Diana: I shouldn’t.

Hormona: You shouldn’t but I should. You deserve a croissant.

Diana: No, I don’t. I don’t deserve it! You don’t either. Go. AWAY.

Hormona: Just this one time. You’re in a bad mood anyway. This will help you.

Diana: I was in a fine mood until you showed up.

Hormona: Exactly my point. Why should you have to live with MS AND suffer the injustices of not being able to eat like a normal being.

Diana: Human beings shouldn’t eat croissants. A gluten free lifestyle will save my life.

Hormona: And you think one delicious croissant is going to change that?

Diana: Stop it. Stop talking.

Hormona: Fine. But only after we get us that croissant.

Diana: I don’t want it. I am stronger than you.

Hormona: Croissants. Mmmm. You know you’re going to give in so why are you fighting it so much?

Diana: That’s true. Okay, let’s go.

{yum, yum, yum}

Hormona: Your life sucks. That croissant was awful. Good job.

Diana: You’re the one who made me eat it. And no it doesn’t! My life is pretty awesome. I’m very lucky.

Hormona: So just because you have an awesome lucky life that means you can’t be sad? No one gets you. No one gets anything. Let’s cry about it.

Diana:  I don’t want to cry.

Hormona: Okay, I’ll wait until Vinny is right outside the door and when he says hi, we’ll start then.

Diana: NO. NO NO NO NO NO.

Hormona: Okay. I hear the door. Ready, set,

Vinny: Hi baby.

Break.

Vincent: Why are you crying?

Diana: What? Me? No I’m not.

Vincent: Um, okay.

Diana: I’m just…sad.

Vincent: Are you fucking serious?

End Scene.

Dunkin' Donut K Cups Made Me Crazy

This is a true story and it made me realize even more how important food and beverage is to your emotional well being. I don’t want to trash Dunkin’ Donuts because I love the company! I’ve never had a bad experience with any DD employee and used to love the donuts before I started making believe I’m a healthy eater. It just so happens that either I got a bad bottom-of-the-barrell batch of K cups or DD coffee really does have psychotic-causing ingredients.

You’ll be happy to know that I (obviously) stopped drinking the coffee and have returned back to my regular programming.

Your turn. Do you have a crazy alter ego? If so, what is his/her name? And how do you feel about DD coffee?

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