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Archive of ‘reading & writing’ category

On Meeting David Sedaris

David Sedaris' Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls

Yesterday I wrote about my love for Justin Timberlake and today I am writing about my love for another man who is not my husband  – acclaimed writer David Sedaris. The difference between the two is that I’ve actually met David Sedaris.

We met while he was on tour promoting his latest book, Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls. He was doing a reading at The Powerhouse Arena in DUMBO so I bought a ticket. Despite being a serious reader, I’ve never gone to a book reading before because I’ve never been interested enough in meeting the author or hearing them read. But David Sedaris? I was on it.

I went alone and actually waited about three hours after the reading to get my book signed. I’m also not a big line person and waiting for anything makes me feel like I might spontaneously combust. But again, this was David.

Powerhouse Arena, Brooklyn New York

By the time I reached the front of the line, I was so caffeinated that I rambled on about how excited I was and how this was like meeting Justin Timberlake. His rep said, “Uh. This is better than Justin Timberlake.” Right. I mentally blamed the MS for making me say stupid shit and I berated myself for drinking too much coffee.

Then I met David and I continued to say stupid shit. He asked me what I’m working on so I told him.

“50 Shades of Grey was offensive to my eyes, mind, heart and soul so I’m writing my own sex novel. You inspired me.”

And then:

“I’ve read all of your books. You’re amazing. Your tone, your voice. Oh. YOU!”

I don’t remember his reaction but I’m almost certain his eyes said “Uh. Um. OKAY!”

Then he signed my books and it was over. I wanted to invite him to eat some Russian food with me and maybe smoke a dooby in Brooklyn Bridge Park because that would make an excellent story in his next book but Vinny said that was ultra creepy and so I opted against it.

David Sedaris Signed Book

i don’t know what this means.

I suppose my accelerated speech and slurring was delightful but likely only for him. I was embarressed and remained to be for hours after our meeting. But then I got over it like I do everything else and now I find delight and encouragement in his words about my sex book. I hope to one day finish it and become a billionaire.

David Sedaris Book Signing

Do not open if you want to keep your hands connected to your body.

David was kind enough to wait until everyone got their books signed, even those who didn’t purchase tickets for the event. He is a classy fella. So classy that there is a movie coming out based on one of his stories. I’m eh about it since he didn’t write the movie and also because the actor playing him looks nothing like him. Bah Hollywood.

Do you like David Sedaris? What is the longest you’ve ever waited to meet a writer/singer/dancer/celebrity/etc? Let’s talk about it in the comments!

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An Ode to Justin Timberlake

This year, Justin Timberlake held a 20 minute concert at Barclay Center and let MTV pass out some awards when he wasn’t wowing us with his singing and crisp dance moves. They called it the MTV Video Music Awards but we all know it was the Justin Timberlake Performs and Wins an MJ Award Show.

It reminded me (and everyone else) of the Beyonce concert during last years football game. Both legends performed like the rock stars that they are and both let their less successful former band mates join them for a “reunion.” I enjoyed both performances but this post is dedicated to my homeboy Justin Timberlake so let’s move on, shall we?

Like men who love big butts, I simply cannot lie. I love Justin Timberlake. I love him in ways that may be weird since he is who he is and I am…pretty much a creepy stalker.

But who cares?! I’ve been thisclose but not close enough to Justin Timberlake three times in my life and all three times were life changing.

The first time was when I was a youngen (but really, still much too old) and I stood outside TRL Live to catch a glimpse of JT’s glorious curls and all-around handsome face. He was there with *NSYNC but I was there for him and he knew it. I know he knew because when he looked out the floor-to-ceiling window overlooking Times Square, he looked at me. ME. Only me. We had a moment. It felt like I took a shot of expensive vodka because that moment certainly warmed my teenage heart.

Justin Timberlake and Nsync at TRL Live

March 22, 2000

The second time was at Yankee Stadium at the Legends of Summer Tour with Jay Z. I’m not much of a concert goer but this was the best concert I’ve ever been to. Seriously. Thanks to a kind seat neighbor who shared his inventory of goodies, I was able to enjoy Justin on a more spiritual level. Maybe it’s because I was feeling so spiritual that I am certain Justin was singing directly to me. Forget it! I know it’s true because I saw him look out into the audience and wink at me. Okay, fine I saw this on the jumbo screen because I wasn’t close enough but I was more than 100 yards away as per the restraining order. Joke! Restraining order states I should be 200 yards away, which I clearly was.

The third time was yesterday when he performed at Barclay Center. I live 3.69 miles away (coincidence? I think not) from the center and when I stepped outside, I could feel us sharing the same oxygen. Then I smelled something rotting but that was just Miley Cyrus’ career. Back to JT. We were THISmotherfuckingCLOSE. And yet still so far. His performed for twenty minutes and I paid attention the entire time. Because that’s what love is – paying attention when all you want to do is tweet how much you love JT. You can watch the entire performance here. I wasn’t able to post the entire video because it crashed WordPress. It was that awesome.

Justin Timberlake GIF

And then he did that dance move which I consider flirting.

justin timberlake dancing

And then he smiled at me. ME. Only me.

cute justin timberlake gif

Okay, I’m off to take my anti-delerium meds.

nsync reunion gifs

There you have it. I’m obsessed with Justin Timberlake and I can’t help it. How about you? Are you a fan or do you have awful taste and think he should sit down and be quiet?

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A Slutty Sinkhole, Kanye Talks Kim K & Other Stories on Links of the Week Roundup

Why are people with other people? Love. It’s all about love.

Speaking of love…people love their cats and this is about sociopathic cats who kill.

I disconnected from Facebook for 35 days and it was the best thing I’ve ever done.

This shit is fucking crazy. A sinkhole named Bayou Corne Sinkhole in Louisiana swallowed an entire town. LOL. Bayou Corne is a slut.

Here is a spinach mushroom brie stuffed tomato recipe.

So you have a friend who works from home. Here’s how not to be a dick to her.

Body language matters. 5 Body Language Poses That Can Sabotage Success will have you thinking twice about that head title thing you do.

This silly fella posted pictures of his drugs and guns on Instagram. Is shocked when he gets arrested.

Have sexier sexy time using your iPhone.

I’m not a mom (nor am I in any danger of becoming one) but this blog, Motherhood in NYC, looks like a good time.

A Breaking Bad and R. Kelly’s “Ignition” mashup proves that some people have way too much time on their hands.

Thanks for reading and have a great weekend!

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Good Story, Bro

Funny blogs
Vinny and I spend a lot of time together and oftentimes we tell each other things that the other person simply doesn’t care about. When we don’t care, we respond accordingly.

Example:

Diana: Hey babe. I’m going to Walgreens to pick up some toilet paper.

Vinny: Good story, bro.

OR

Diana: I was a tomboy when I was little. Loved to play in dirt. Makes sense, right? But that’s why I love nature so much! And being dirty. Washing your hands is just so overrated.

Vinny: Good story, bro.

Followed by

Vinny: Don’t touch me.

We “good story, bro” each other and it’s usually a good time. Except the most recent time. This is what happened.

Vinny walked into the living room where I was busy living and watching TV. He held one hand to his throat and wore a sad face.

Vinny: My throat hurts. I don’t feel well.

Diana: Good story, bro.

Wrong thing to say. Not because it was a fascinating story but because he wasn’t feeling well and it was my job to make him feel better. I quickly backtracked.

Diana: I’m sorry! Tell me more about your throat pain! I want to know.

It was too late. Vinny was over me being over his throat and was too busy ignoring me.

Fine. Whatever.

I got what I deserved anyway because now I’m sick. I sneezed four times this morning. IN A ROW.

The moral of this story is when your husband comes to tell you he doesn’t feel well, don’t talk. Just leave the room because talking spreads germs.

7 Ways To Overcome Anger without Going to Jail

5 ways to overcome anger

I’ve always been somewhat of a moody person and now I know why: my happiness neurotransmitters hate me. While I’ve learned to  manage my feelings in an effort to reduce stress, I sometimes still find myself looking around and thinking to myself, “if only murdering you wouldn’t send me past Go and directly to jail…”

I’ve never killed anyone, though, because there are cameras everywhere and I’d probably get caught. I also have balance issues and would probably fall into the blood, not notice and subsequently leave a path to my hideout. In addition, it’s just not nice to murder someone just because they cut you off or because they got your food order wrong. Even if their only job is to get your food order correct.

Of course, a lot of times the anger is directed at myself and that’s the worst. You know, because I’m not flexible enough to kick myself in the face.  But if therapy has taught me anything, it’s that it is not what happens to you but how you react. Over the years, I’ve developed a solid list of stress-reducing reactions. These are a few of the things I do to help me respond to life like a normal human and not an uncontrollable sexy vampire out for blood.

Walk it out

I like to walk my dog, Ninja. Ninja is a stunning creature and puts a smile on anyone who passes him. Usually seeing how happy he makes other people makes me happy that he is mine. His face also makes me feel calmer because he loves unconditionally and we can all learn a thing or two about that.

Figure out the source

I like to figure out what’s making me feel so blue. And by that I mean I obsess over my problem until I figure out a solution. I like to do this while I’m walking Ninja.

Let’s drink, shall we?

I love sangria. Drinking it gives me a headache because it’s too damn sweet but once I get past that and am comfortably tipsy, I forget  about the headache and the problem. Avoid drinking if your doctor, nutrionist or AA sponsor objects but once in a while, we all just need to forget about life and get drunk.

Let’s drink some more, shall we?

If I’m obsessing figuring out the root of my anger while at home, I sometimes opt to drink some chamomile tea. It has healing properties and acts as a mild muscle relaxant that can help relieve stress, anxiety and even depression. It might even put you to sleep and if you’re sleeping you can’t be angry. Unless your subconscious hates you too and you dream about what’s making you angry. But don’t think about that. Just drink the tea and it will all be okay.

Let’s talk it through

I like to talk mad shit about the person who is pissing me off to my bestie. If I’m right, she will agree but if I’m wrong she will tell it to me straight. Either way I always feel better after a chat with my bestie.

Talk to myself in a reasonable and calm voice

I like to engage in some good ole’ fashioned cognitive therapy. This is my favorite because it lasts the longest. Basically I just try to talk my way out of a bad mood with logic. What’s logic? Not really sure but I think it’s when you use only the facts without adding any of your own personal stories you make up in your mind.

Let’s get physical

Sometimes I like to work out to calm down. Just kidding! This is what experts recommend but I’ve never found it to work for me. Yoga is too slow and annoys me and anything too physical annoys me as well. The only time I workout to get rid of a bad mood is if I feel the need to leave the house or if I’m in a bad mood because I haven’t been working out. This is rare since I rather talk, walk and drink.

7 way to control your anger

How do you deal with anger? Tell me in the comments!

Doubt Kills More Dreams Than Failure Ever Could

doubt kills more dreams
Vinny and I accidentally watched JOBS this weekend. Long story short – the human at the counter gave us the wrong tickets and we didn’t check them. We were sitting in the theater, waiting to be scared when Ashton Kutcher walked onto the screen in a turtle neck to talk about the new iPod. Some might argue we did see a scary movie but it wasn’t as awful as some folks make it out to be.

The movie was alright. Ashton Kutcher did a good job passing as Jobs in terms of mannerisms and appearance but it was difficult to suspend disbelief because of his voice. He was just too obviously Ashton. But that’s not even why the movie was bad. It was bad because it was inaccurate and the filmmakers pretty much made up their own version of reality.

ashton kutcher as steve jobs

I researched the film after I watched and learned the real truth of how things went down. I won’t bore you with the details but what I found most interesting was learning about Ronald Wayne, the third Apple founder. He was not mentioned in the film so let me tell you a little bit about him.

Ronald Wayne worked with Steve Jobs at Atari and helped create the first Apple logo. He was brought on board because he was older, wiser and trustworthy. His purpose was to act as mediator between the Steve’s on account of his older wisdom. He also wrote the Apple 1 manual, as well as the  partnership agreement. Three weeks after starting the company in Jobs basement, Wayne sold 10% of his stock for $800 because at 42, he was the only one who had assets that could potentially be seized if Apple didn’t work out. He would later receive $1500 to forfeit any claim against the company.

He would be worth $35 billion today if he didn’t walk out. Instead, he lives in a mobile home community.

This story makes me nauseous. Dude walked away from $35 BILLION because he was scared.

Of course he didn’t know that when they were working in the basement but the two younger fellas (Jobs and Wozniak) had no such fears. They were young (21 and 26, respectively) and they were free. Wayne was old and not-so-free.

And I get it. The older I get, the more I think about everything. And that’s BAD. It’s bad to over-think and always fear you’re making the wrong decision. Because not making a decision based on fear is, in fact, making a decision. And yet that is what I’ve been doing lately. I’ve been thinking and rethinking my next life steps and quite frankly, it’s getting exhausting. I want to be like my younger self and just do.

In case you’re wondering, my main source of frustration is whether or not I should write using my real name. If I use my real name, it will be on the internet FOREVER and my chances of getting a real job will go down substantially. I write about MS and ain’t nobody got time to hire a potentially fatigued sicky. On the other hand, being open may open up many new opportunities.

My fear makes me feel like Ronald Wayne and I don’t want to be Ronald Wayne.

I don’t want to and yet I still am. Looks like Doubt is killing my dream right now and I need some guidance.

Leave me a comment with some guidance. Should I risk my future employment to follow a dream that may not work out? Let’s talk about it below.

My Husband Lost His Wedding Ring and I Didn’t Kill Him

siesta keys, florida

My husband went away for a week to go on a brocation. His friend Steven is getting married (yay Steven and Christina!) and 14 of his closest friends rented a house in Siesta Keys, Florida.  While definitely a weird place to go for a bachelor party, the city does have beaches, bars and strip clubs so the men had their ample supply of boobs to ogle. That’s what bachelor parties are all about, right?

Everything was going great until Wednesday. On Wednesday, my phone rang and the caller ID said it was Vinny. It was 2PM and I was confused. I knew he was at the beach and didn’t expect him to be calling so I thought maybe he somehow butt dialed.

Diana: Hello?

Vinny: Baby!

Diana: Are you calling me on purpose?

Vinny: Yes. Okay, I have something to tell you. First, I’m okay.

When he said “I’m ok,” I thought the worst. Last time he went to a bachelor party, a cab he was in didn’t have breaks and him and his bros were in an accident. So I’m like, OKAY! YOU’RE OKAY! But what happened?!

Vinny: I was playing football in the ocean…

While he spoke, I thought, “omg. And a jelly fish stung you? A shark circled you? Rip tide tried to steal you away from me? But you’re okay! But omg, talk faster.”

Vinny: And I lost my ring.

Diana: Oh.

Vinny: I’m so sorry, babe. I’m so stupid! I’m sorry.

Diana: It’s okay. I guess it happens!

A part of me was upset but the other part of me was happy he wasn’t eaten by a shark. I didn’t argue with him and instead sent him back to his brotivities. Because I’m perfect.

My friend Michele was impressed with how calm I was. Initially I was too (impressed by my own calmness) but by the time her and I spoke about it, I had been left alone with my thoughts for far too long and annoyance had set it.  I assured her I would never let him forget about it and likely bring it up during every fight. Every. Single. One. Of. Them. Just like the relationship experts recommend.

My husband lost his wedding ring

He looks sad but really he’s just drunk.

This entire fiasco got me thinking about the importance of wedding rings in a marriage. Was Vinny going to suddenly act like a real bachelor now that he was ringless for a few days? Would he love the way his naked finger felt and comes home with a new found hatred of all-things marriage? Would his anti-wedding ring bros brainwash him? So many questions, so little space.

Your turn: How do you feel about wedding rings? Do you wear one? Does your spouse? And more importantly, do you even care?

Lady Gaga is So Creative

lady gaga face paint Dear Lady Gaga,

I am so impressed with your grand level of creativity. Wearing a colorful face in public to promote your song? Two steps beyond brilliant. It will go down in history as one of the most creative things you’ve ever done. Scratch that. It will go down in history as one of the most creative things anyone has ever done.

Your face is a canvas of creativity, this much is clear. I also dig your outfit. You look peaceful yet angsty – a perfect balance for the creative person. I like that you’re wearing black. Most people wear white to show how deep and creative they are but not you. You reinvented the wheel with your majestic outfit and I am impressed.

I also really like your lyrical video. I’ve never seen anyone do something like this. You’re just so…original and creative.

Bravo. I hope to one day meet you and share oxygen with you. My hope is that you may sneeze some creativity upon me. Fingers crossed!

Love,
Diana

How to Do Your Hair and Write a Blog Post at the Same Time

Is it weird that I consider learning how to do my own hair well one of my greatest accomplishments in life? Whatever. I don’t care what you think.

Anyways. I was doing just that (straightening my hair well) while hanging out on Twitter when Vinny walked in and did what Vinny does best: rain on my ADD parade.

“Are you doing your hair or are you on the internet?”

“Clearly both. Multi-tasking is what it’s called,” I replied.

“Why don’t you watch some videos?”

It was a good question so I gave him some credit and then hit up Youtube to watch some random and recommended vids.  This is what I watched. I wrote notes while I watched so hence, doing hair and writing blog post. Easy!

Blurred Lines – Uncut! by Robin Thicke

This song was called “rapey” by a self-proclaimed feminist. I disagree and it seems as though she  associated the song with her own negative experiences. The song was provocative, for sure, but rapey? I don’t think so, lady.  Either way, I love this jam. It makes me want to dance all sexy in my skivvies and silently sing along. Always a good time if you ask me.

This is not the Blurred Lines video but something even better I found. It’s a father-son mashup! I’m sure you’ve seen the original video so please enjoy this instead.

Wake Me Up by Avicii

You can’t even begin to understand how much I, and my 24-year-old self, love this song. I too wanted to sleep through the hard times and sometimes I did. Luckily I’ve grown and all that shit is behind me but I still love those songs that help me feel young and confused. Doesn’t everyone?!

Teens Reacting to Miley Cyrus’s We Can’t Stop

Some teens didn’t understand why Miley was hanging out with teddy bears. Kids, one day you’ll go to a party where you think you’re hanging out with teddy bears and it will be the best party you’ve ever been to. On that note, I didn’t spend too much time watching this because I don’t care what teenagers have to say.

VitalyzdTv – Speaking Russian with Strangers

As a Russian, I support any Russian who doesn’t have the stereotypical “I steal from Medicaid and drive a Lexus”  job and lifestyle. I don’t even think he’s that funny but alas, he isn’t stealing from Medicaid so he’s good in my book.

Those are all of the videos I watched, which means I focused more on my hair than on the Youtube. That’s right. Be jealous.

funny blogs by women, multiple sclerosis blogs,

Me, Myself & I

The other day I exited my apartment and there was a man smoking a cigarette in the hallway. While I didn’t know him personally, he looked like a guest of one of my neighbors. I took one look at him and before I realized words were coming out of my mouth, I said, “Uhm, sir, can you please smoke that outside?” He was standing by an open window and even though there was a cloud of smoke dancing around his head, it wasn’t that bad. He quickly apologized and threw the cigarette out. I said, “thanks, I’m sorry” because I was. He said he was leaving soon and I made an acknowledging smile even though he was long gone and didn’t see.

ms blog, multiple sclerosis blog

it was my apartment so i made the rules, ya hear? nye 2008 > 2009

I entered the elevator and immediately decided that if I had the ability to do so, I would surely kick myself in the face. Did I really just tell someone not to smoke in the hallway? The hallway with a window that greeted the smoke with open arms? The same hallway I had so easily smoked in years ago, on the steps and away from the window, with no regard for other tenants? Sure, I was a youth and going through an unruly phase but just because I was mutating into an adult didn’t mean I had to become an obnoxious one.

This incident reminded me of The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka. I read it in college and faintly recall discussing that Gregor Samsa turned into a giant beetle and this was a metaphor for his existential life crisis. At first he was uncomfortable in his new beetle body but before we all knew it, he was racing up and down the walls like all of the other gross wall-climbing critters.

Where am I going with this? Not sure. Honestly, I just needed an excuse to write that I’ve been feeling like a helpless beetle lately, stuck on my back and waving my creepy little beetle arms around like I care a lot. My anti-smoking request was just the click I needed to hear to realize that I too am in a new body, mind and soul.

ms blog

i was confused. and i still am. – 2008

It’s uncomfortable and confusing and like the voices in my head, the changes just won’t stop. Next thing I know I’ll be lecturing people on why dairy is bad for you and the dangers of gluten. Oh, wait. I do do that. But in the words of the great lyricist Tupac Shakur, “Come on come on, that’s just the way it is, things’ll never be the same, that’s just the way it is, aww yeah.” I feel you, Pac. I feel you and Gregor but I’m wondering when I will feel like myself and be okay with it.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my  life, MS and all. Maybe even because of the MS because now at least I know. But sometimes I wish I could go back to a time when that wasn’t the case. I sometimes day dream of the glorious days when I was ignorant and didn’t know why smoking (and everything else) was so bad for me. Or rather, didn’t really care.

But I suppose it is what it is and time must move forward, whether I’m ready for it or not. I’m comforted, though, by the simple fact that maybe some things will never change and that is okay with me.

Things don't change

Added value:

Have you ever felt like a giant beetle? Share your thoughts about change, MS or anything you wish to comment on. It will melt my smoke-free heart.  And don’t forget to subscribe to posts via email! Click here to get started.

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