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I’m Too Fancy Fan Mail

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I can’t believe that I, Diana, have fans. Like real breathing human fans. They write me fan mail and send me pictures and sometimes even their unwashed undies in ziplock bags. It humbles me so.

Please note that when I write “fans” I really just mean fan and by fan I really just mean my best friend Zohra sends me funny emails. She is the funniest person I know and she helps keep me on my “haha” toes. Below is her most recent email to me and it made me laugh out loud. I did not correct any of the grammar because that would take the love out of her original words and also because she writes like she skipped a lot of required English classes and I want to laugh at that.

On that note, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Dear Diana,

My name is Zoe Apple and you don’t know me but I am a huge fan of yours. I think that you’re not only a sore for sight eyes but you are a hilarious writer. I enjoy the way you live your life and hope that one day I can smell meet you. So that we can laugh about hair and cheese and also create a plan to destroy gluten. We are destined to be together. Sometimes I stand outside your building and wait for a glimpse of your disheveled hair, outfit, and face. I pray you would notice me but alas my dreams always fall short like a midget on platforms, oh so close yet so far. I will never reach that top latch on that door knob to your love, will I?

I wish like the last of the Mohicans and speed I too can catch you in a power race against time with fancy horses and trains. You Diana are the last of the Mohicans, you’re also the bus on Speed you just keep going. Until the end but that doesn’t count.

Keep going Diana!

Your friend, stalker, and confidant PUSSY CAT.

funny ms blog

yes, this was also part of the fan mail.

I think everyone deserves a friendly stalker now and then. Someone who will tell you just how great you are in writing so that when you’re crying in the corner, wrapped up in the fetal position, wondering where life will take you, you will have those marvelous words to look back on. Wouldn’t you love that?

Do you have a friendly stalker? If not, do you want one?

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My Hair is on Fire But I Still Want that Bread

I was having dinner with my friend Naomi when suddenly my hair caught on fire. Well, not quite so suddenly. I actually leaned over a votive candle to grab a piece of bread and then BAM! hair on fire.

It happened so quickly that Naomi didn’t even have time to react. She was all like, “what? huh? what just happened.” Two minutes later, you could smell what happened and other diners had no problems pointing it out.

You may be wondering what I was saying while I leaned over that candle. If you were wondering, then you’d be right to do so because I was saying, “I shouldn’t be eating gluten.” Yes, that’s right. As I leaned to get a piece of delicious gluten-filled bread,  I was talking about how I no longer indulge. Or rather, how I shouldn’t indulge in gluten.

I feel like I perhaps deserved to have my hair torched. I can just picture that vindictive votive candle thinking, “wow! this biatch won’t shut the fu*k up about gluten. She eats bread! With gluten! Lot’s of it, too. She is a fraud! Oh, look. Some dry hair and excessive hair product. I like.”

And then, well, you know. By the time I came home and told Vinny, I thought it was highlarious but he disagreed. He was actually very upset. “What if you burned your face?!” he wanted to know.

And I was like really? That was your concern? Not that my entire head could have been a fireball and I would end up living my life like Michael Jackson after his Pepsi hair mishap – an icon with a pill problem.

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And he was like, yeah, really. Then he suggested I try some non-flammable hair products even though we both know that I should avoid candles, not hair products.

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I get it though. We’re both concerned about my brain damage and why add to the problem with unnecessary product? Except it’s not unnecessary as you can tell so as of now, I stay out of fire’s way and carry on with my obsessive affair with John Frieda Frizz Ease 3-Day Straight Styling Spray. Life is about compromises and because I know my priorities, it was an easy decision.

As for bread? Don’t ask.

 

Cilantro, Is That You?

I wrote this at a Gotham Writer’s Workshop Write-In in Brooklyn, New York. It was five writers hanging out at Two Moons Cafe, writing freestyle stories based on prompts by Amy Shearn, writer of the acclaimed, The Mermaid of Brooklyn: A Novel.

The first prompt was cilantro and this is my story.

Cilantro

Before I met my husband, I thought Cilantro was the name of the pizza guy.

“Babe, did you put cilantro in the guacamole?”

“Why would I do that?! Cilantro has done nothing bad to me!”

Death stare.

Okay, so as a Russian Jew raised by a tired mother, I was never privy to the mouth watering herb that would complete the Spanish side dish. Sue me! My husband, on the other hand, is a half Spanish, half Italian cilantro loving fella. I just had to figure out how to tease his taste buds in the kitchen.

“What’s for dinner?”

“Cilantro.”

“What?”

“Cilantro and quinoa. It’s just a salad I’ve created. Just for you!”

Death stare.

How rude but really, it’s fine. We can’t win them all.

But I must admit that I am proud of how far I’ve come. I used to have to Google pictures of cilantro to make sure I was buying the proper herb. Sure, supermarkets label their greens but I made sure to be diligent. Now I no longer Google and let my other senses take over. I am now familiar with how it looks, smells and feels.

To most this is basic but to me it is an accomplishment to know that cilantro is an herb and not a man.

Is that you cilantro?!

Joe Manganiello

 

No, I’m over here! Aren’t I’m sexier?

Cilantro

No.

joem

But I smell pretty!

Cilantro

FINE. I’ll take you both.

cilantroandcilantro

 

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Let’s Get Creative & Write Books

When people ask me what I’m doing this summer, I tell them I’m being creative. That’s right. I’m spending my summer surrounding myself with inspiration and creativity so that I can flourish as a writer. In addition to a fiction writing class with Gotham Writers Workshop, I’m also rediscovering just how much I love inspirational jpegs. It’s weird how a few words on a nicely designed canvas can make me feel ready to write that novel short story of mine.

I apologize for all of the pictures being a different size. It’s a long weekend and I’m lazy.

Creativity Quotes and Pictures

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Creativity Quote Cecil. B Demil

Unknown

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creativity quotes

Creative Minds Quote

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Creativity-quotes14 What’s your favorite quote?

3 Hump Day Stories

I hate the term “hump day” but it is what it is, right?  I won’t dwell too long on that though because there are stories to share. Exciting stories. Kinda. Not really. Okay, they’re exciting for ME and I hope for you, too, K?

Hump Day Camel at Work

1) MapCrunch is a site that allows you to select a country and you’ll see a random google street view. Since yesterday, I’ve traveled to Austria, Germany and Latvia. I am a world traveler, bitches! I also read you can play a fun game where you go to a random country and try to find your way to an airport. I haven’t played yet because I ain’t got no time for that.

2) A teacher in Dallas, Texas (fake been there, too!) wore the same outfit in his yearbook for forty years. Forty years! This is insane to me since one of my biggest fears is wearing the same outfit to an event twice, in dire fear it will end up on Facebook. And then people will be like “oh, snap. She wore that last time.” But this guy? None of those fears. His name is Irby and he is my hero.

3) I’m a novice chef cook so I was so excited to find this site, Picture the Recipe. This site is perfect because they do as they claim and they show you every step of the recipe process. I love it. Because I’m slow. And this makes me quick! Check out the most timely post, 10 Delicious 4th of July Recipes.

Speaking of the 4th of July, do you have any fun BBQ plans? If so, do you cook or just eat? I just stuff my face and then offer to help clean.

 

Hormona & I

This is a repost from a previous blog. It was posted on 11/11/2010 at 1:52AM. I still dig it so here it is.

***

Some girls call their periods Aunt Flo. Others refer to it as “their friend.”  My period is neither. My period is my frenemie. I’m excited when she visits but can’t wait for her to leave. Unfortunately, when she’s not actually here yet, she’s preparing to be. This means that for two weeks out of the month, I’m obligated, bound to, handcuffed to this THING that takes over my life. Her name is Hormona and she is a bitch.

Hormona and Diana wake up.

Hormona: Remember that time when Vinny didn’t take you to the Jay Z/Eminem concert because he was “confused?”

Diana: Yeah. I kinda got over that.

Hormona: No you didn’t.

Diana: No, really. I did. Live in present. Not the past.

Hormona: You are fooling yourself. Why do you always let him get away with everything? He just thinks he could play you like that and you’ll be nice to him?

Diana: I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed. I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed. I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed. I’m a reasonable, level headed person who won’t focus on petty issues that can’t be changed.

Hormona: I think you should text him.

Diana: It’s 8am.

Hormona: Perfect. It might be his first text of the day. You’ll totally ruin his mood. His DAY if you’re lucky. Are you thrilled or are you thrilled that I came to visit?

Diana: You know, you’re right. I never stand up for myself. LETS DO THIS. What do I say?

Hormona: Okay. Write this. “Good morning. I hate your face you stupid piece of shit ass fucker. You didn’t take me to the concert and you know what? I DIDN’T WANT TO GO with your stupid piece of shit ass fucker face. I’m never talking to you again so fuck you. DIE. Hope you have a nice day. Bye”

Diana: Okay, cool.

Diana sends the message. They wait.

Diana: He responded. He said “Are you serious?” I guess that’s reasonable question. That was pretty crazy.

Hormona: Of course you’re serious. He never respects your feelings. Why do you have to get over things on his schedule?

Diana: Yeah, that’s true. He always thinks I should just get over things when he does. But he gets over things right away and I enjoy dwelling and being in a bad mood. I feel safe and comfortable there. So what do I say?

Hormona: Say “Yeah. I’m serious. You don’t love me and this proves it. You don’t appreciate me ever.”

Diana sends. They wait.

Diana: He said “This happened 8 months ago.”

They stare at each.

Hormona: So what? You have repressed emotions from the trauma of having to be his girlfriend. You’re the victim here. He doesn’t love you. And to prove that he doesn’t, you should make him say it. OMG. That’s great. Let’s test him.

Diana: Yeah! That kid hasn’t passed a test since the second grade. I know he’ll fail.

Hormona: Obviously he will. Because he doesn’t love you. Go. Send it now.

Diana sends. They wait.

To be continued…

Hormona & !

Do you also have a Hormona alter-ego? Let me know about her in the comment below!

Welcome Back, I’m Too Fancy!

Hey, there. My name is Diana and this is my blog. If you’d like to know more about me, check out the about page. There you’ll find the juiciest tidbits like who(what?) I have a love/hate relationship with and my future goals of becoming a doctor. Sorta. If you’d like to know more about the point of this blog, keep reading.

The point of this blog is…I’m not really sure yet. I love so many things that it’s hard to narrow it down but I’m certain I will be blogging about the following topics: budget shopping, healthy eating, creativity and popular culture. I’ll also be using this space to share my personal essays about being a newly wed, as well as living a life with multiple sclerosis.

See?  This blog, much like its owner, has ADD. But is that such a bad thing?

unstoppable dinosaur

Thanks for stopping by and I sure do hope you return. I’ll be anxiously stalking my Google Analytics to see if you do.

Cheers!
xo
Diana

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