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Dear Eli

Dear Eli,

Hi. How are you? Probably not so good after yesterdays game. It’s okay because you’re not alone. My husband Vincent is also upset. Very upset. You ruined his Sunday and he started drinking because of you. This displeases me greatly since I take a certain pride in being the only one who can drive him to the bottle. At least you’ve won at something this week.

Now, before I go on I’d like to confess that I am not a football fan. While I know Jay Cutler is married to Kristen Cavallari and Eric Decker has a reality show on VH1, I don’t watch any games.  I respect the sport though and think it’s awesome in theory, but I simply don’t have the emotional bandwidth to allow a group of 22 men dictate how I’m going to feel. One is enough and that one is currently super pissed off at you. I heard him yell terrible things at you. Things so terrible I can’t repeat. You know what that means for me? Means I have to deal with a moody husband. My least favorite type of husband.

Eli – I know you know how to play football. You’ve won Super Bowls! Two of them! You’re a skilled quarterback despite your effort to prove otherwise yesterday but I still believe in you. Your fans still believe in you and probably even your parents still believe in you, although I’d bet money on which son is their favorite. Don’t you want to be the favorite son? Don’t you?

Talk to someone. Talk to a therapist. Talk to your wife or mom. Talk to someone who cares and won’t yell at you. Something is clearly wrong and talking usually helps. Figure out the block inside of you that is making you suck more than Mark Sanchez. Or worse, the Buffalo Bills. I don’t even know why Mark Sanchez sucks but that’s what Google told me. And the Bills? The red-headed step child of professional football. Again, a majority opinion online. You can do better, Eli. You can do so much better.

In conclusion, whenever I’m sucking at life, I take a break and have some quiet time. Then I commit to doing the opposite of what I’ve been doing. This usually works. Give it a whirl and see you next week. Hopefully with a different type of letter.

Sincerely and with genuine hugs and kisses,

The wife of a pissed off fan

Jason Biggs' dogs Gina and Teets ready to watch you lose.

Jason Biggs’ dogs Gina and Teets ready to watch you lose.

i'm too fancy ms blog

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