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Dunkin’ Donuts Coffee Made Me Psychotic

How to Throw a Pity Party

I don’t always attend pity parties but when I do, Hormona throws them for me.

The party is thrown in a dark room with no visible light. The decor matches my soul on bad days – cluttered and antagonizing.

I used to think that Hormona was my alter-ego when I was PMS’ing but I have since learned that I am capable of being irrational and moody during any day of the month.

Hormona was recently present during a time in which I started to develop psychotic tendencies. The odd thing is that I was doing well and nothing was wrong. I was eating well, working out and getting along with Vinny. The only difference in my life was that I had started drinking Dunkin Donut K Cup coffee again.

It was weird to say the least. Feeling like everything was wrong while knowing it wasn’t – it was like a cruel joke my feelings were playing on my mind. It was very uncomfortable and I felt like I needed to escape my own body. I squirmed a lot. You know, because I was trying to escape myself.

Anyway. The DD coffee summoned Hormona from her slumber and this is what happened.

Diana: Good morning, world! I am ready for you, day. And Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.

{sip, sip, sip}

Hormona: You have MS. Nothing ever goes your way.

Diana: What? Where’d you come from? Why does it feel like you just kicked me in the gut?

Hormona: You probably have gut damage. It’s all that garbage you eat. Like those butter-filled croissants. You disgusting peasant! I want one.

Diana: I shouldn’t.

Hormona: You shouldn’t but I should. You deserve a croissant.

Diana: No, I don’t. I don’t deserve it! You don’t either. Go. AWAY.

Hormona: Just this one time. You’re in a bad mood anyway. This will help you.

Diana: I was in a fine mood until you showed up.

Hormona: Exactly my point. Why should you have to live with MS AND suffer the injustices of not being able to eat like a normal being.

Diana: Human beings shouldn’t eat croissants. A gluten free lifestyle will save my life.

Hormona: And you think one delicious croissant is going to change that?

Diana: Stop it. Stop talking.

Hormona: Fine. But only after we get us that croissant.

Diana: I don’t want it. I am stronger than you.

Hormona: Croissants. Mmmm. You know you’re going to give in so why are you fighting it so much?

Diana: That’s true. Okay, let’s go.

{yum, yum, yum}

Hormona: Your life sucks. That croissant was awful. Good job.

Diana: You’re the one who made me eat it. And no it doesn’t! My life is pretty awesome. I’m very lucky.

Hormona: So just because you have an awesome lucky life that means you can’t be sad? No one gets you. No one gets anything. Let’s cry about it.

Diana:  I don’t want to cry.

Hormona: Okay, I’ll wait until Vinny is right outside the door and when he says hi, we’ll start then.

Diana: NO. NO NO NO NO NO.

Hormona: Okay. I hear the door. Ready, set,

Vinny: Hi baby.

Break.

Vincent: Why are you crying?

Diana: What? Me? No I’m not.

Vincent: Um, okay.

Diana: I’m just…sad.

Vincent: Are you fucking serious?

End Scene.

Dunkin' Donut K Cups Made Me Crazy

This is a true story and it made me realize even more how important food and beverage is to your emotional well being. I don’t want to trash Dunkin’ Donuts because I love the company! I’ve never had a bad experience with any DD employee and used to love the donuts before I started making believe I’m a healthy eater. It just so happens that either I got a bad bottom-of-the-barrell batch of K cups or DD coffee really does have psychotic-causing ingredients.

You’ll be happy to know that I (obviously) stopped drinking the coffee and have returned back to my regular programming.

Your turn. Do you have a crazy alter ego? If so, what is his/her name? And how do you feel about DD coffee?

i'm too fancy ms blog

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