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Go Away, MS. You Can’t Sit With Us

Blogging About Multiple Sclerosis

I recently saw my old pal Gary and he asked me why I wasn’t blogging. “I will,” I said. “You always say that,” he responded.

And he’s right. I am always saying I will start blogging again but I never do. But it’s not like it’s intentional. It’s not like I’m lying. I really do want to blog and write and collect all the likes.

The truth is that I just don’t want to write about my MS.

“So don’t write about your MS,” I hear you say.

And to that I say BAH! MS is my life. And I’ve always written about my life. But it’s become exhausting denying that MS is the elephant in my crowded room.

Here’s the truth.

There is something in me that simply does not want MS to be my life or my calling or the reason I bring my pen to the pad.

I fucking hate it.

I hate MS. I hate feeling fatigued. I hate having brain fog. I hate feeling depressed. I hate forgetting things. I hate inflammation. I hate pain. I hate not being able to drink alcohol without feeling like an army of tap dancing ants are having a parade underneath my skin. I hate having to pee all the time. And not just regular pee. More like “find a bathroom RIGHT NOW or it’s another puddle in your pants” pee.

I hate that MS is not my cause. It would be so much easier if it were. I’d just be like “Give me all your monies so that we can cure MS. YAY!”

I hate that I don’t think we will find a cure in my lifetime or ever.

Most of all, I hate hating. That shit isn’t good for your well-being and I know this, but alas, I continue to keep calm and hate on.

I just want to be normal like everyone else. Except really, I know everyone else isn’t really that normal. I know this because when I complain about things, whoever hears me says things like “ME TOO!” Apparently we’re all the same. Except we’re not. So fuck you, healthy person who also gets tired. IT’S NOT THE SAME THING.

This is the part where acceptance comes in. If I just accepted that this is my new normal, I would be able to cope better. Right? I guess. I wouldn’t know because I haven’t done it yet. I don’t even like the saying “My new normal.” I know it’s a good mantra to have because acceptance, but fuck it. I don’t like it and so I will have to find another saying that sooths my aching soul.

I’ll let you know when I figure it out.

I think I just MSed all over the place. It felt good. And I think I might do it again.

Clean up in aisle FANCY, please.

6 Comments on Go Away, MS. You Can’t Sit With Us

  1. Val
    August 4, 2015 at 6:24 pm (2 years ago)

    Thank you for your brutal honesty and being you. Always stay this way. Love this…and you. <3

    Reply
    • imtoofancy
      August 7, 2015 at 3:57 pm (2 years ago)

      Love you! Thank you for your support, now and always. <3

      Reply
  2. Laura
    August 6, 2015 at 3:21 am (2 years ago)

    I think you’re allowed to hate on MS, hate on life, and hate on the general peaks and valleys of the human condition. We’re all just warriors in this human experiment together, getting on the best we can with what we know, and seeking to do better.
    In other news, I’m reading a great book: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying by Marie Konde. I think you might like it 🙂 It’s all the rage now, and for due cause. You’ll see what I mean. Toodles.

    Reply
    • imtoofancy
      August 7, 2015 at 4:00 pm (2 years ago)

      Hey Laura, Yes, you’re right – the struggle is real. My hope is to hate less so that I can clear the mental clutter. That sounds like an awesome book and I will check it out. I’ll need a follow up though – The Magic Of Keeping It Tidy After You’ve Tidied Up. 😀

      Reply
  3. Tracy
    August 6, 2015 at 4:10 pm (2 years ago)

    thank you. you put pen to the thoughts in my head. seriously! I have said every single one of these things. And I don’t mean to “me too” all over your thoughts, but I have been really mourning the loss of my old life lately. 5 years in and some days just suck, sometimes I am super positive and sometimes I could care less if a lightening storm or some other accident just sent me into my next life. But then I fear that I am just going to come back with this disease because I haven’t learned all the lessons that it is supposed to apparently teach me (like humbleness, patience, gratitude, dependency on others……….) The most exhausting thing for me is that there is never a moment that I am not aware that something hurts, or feels numb, or is tingling……or just that it is not like it used to be. People think it is a gift that I am so in tune with my body, but it truly feels much more like a curse.

    Reply
    • imtoofancy
      August 7, 2015 at 4:03 pm (2 years ago)

      Tracy, I’m sorry you’re always feeling the feelings of your body. I know that is not fun. I know people say meditate but since I have never done that for more than two days I don’t actually know if it works. The emotional and physical roller coaster is too much some times but we can only do our best. And it’s okay if you ME TOO’ed all over the place. No clean up needed, as you understand more than anyone else. Thank you for reading and commenting. Stay strong and positive! Or not. Whatever feels better. 🙂

      Reply

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