I recently saw my old pal Gary and he asked me why I wasn’t blogging. “I will,” I said. “You always say that,” he responded.
And he’s right. I am always saying I will start blogging again but I never do. But it’s not like it’s intentional. It’s not like I’m lying. I really do want to blog and write and collect all the likes.
The truth is that I just don’t want to write about my MS.
“So don’t write about your MS,” I hear you say.
And to that I say BAH! MS is my life. And I’ve always written about my life. But it’s become exhausting denying that MS is the elephant in my crowded room.
Here’s the truth.
There is something in me that simply does not want MS to be my life or my calling or the reason I bring my pen to the pad.
I fucking hate it.
I hate MS. I hate feeling fatigued. I hate having brain fog. I hate feeling depressed. I hate forgetting things. I hate inflammation. I hate pain. I hate not being able to drink alcohol without feeling like an army of tap dancing ants are having a parade underneath my skin. I hate having to pee all the time. And not just regular pee. More like “find a bathroom RIGHT NOW or it’s another puddle in your pants” pee.
I hate that MS is not my cause. It would be so much easier if it were. I’d just be like “Give me all your monies so that we can cure MS. YAY!”
I hate that I don’t think we will find a cure in my lifetime or ever.
Most of all, I hate hating. That shit isn’t good for your well-being and I know this, but alas, I continue to keep calm and hate on.
I just want to be normal like everyone else. Except really, I know everyone else isn’t really that normal. I know this because when I complain about things, whoever hears me says things like “ME TOO!” Apparently we’re all the same. Except we’re not. So fuck you, healthy person who also gets tired. IT’S NOT THE SAME THING.
This is the part where acceptance comes in. If I just accepted that this is my new normal, I would be able to cope better. Right? I guess. I wouldn’t know because I haven’t done it yet. I don’t even like the saying “My new normal.” I know it’s a good mantra to have because acceptance, but fuck it. I don’t like it and so I will have to find another saying that sooths my aching soul.
I’ll let you know when I figure it out.
I think I just MSed all over the place. It felt good. And I think I might do it again.
Clean up in aisle FANCY, please.