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I’d Rather Be Luigi

Vinny grew out a beard because his facial hair sexes me up. But one day he decided he had enough. “Babe, I’m shaving this thing!” he told me. At first I was offended that he referred to my form of foreplay as “this thing.” But it wasn’t worth the fight (because hair grows) and so I just said ok.

I let him shave in peace but then I walked by and noticed he had shaved off everything except a mustache. It was so cute! “You should keep it!” I clapped in delight.


“You look like Mario! Can I be your Luigi?”

“Luigi? That’s a guy. They’re BROTHERS! You’re the princess, weirdo.”

Oh. No. He. Didn’t.

Yes, Luigi is a boy. And yes, Princess Peach is a girl. But here’s the thing: Mario and Luigi have all the fun. They get to go on exciting adventures that include mushrooms and capes that enable them to fly. They get to ride a dinosaur named T. Yoshisaur Munchakoopas! They are motivated and despite their failures, keep on keeping on. And the princess? She is stuck in some lair yelling all the time about how she needs to be rescued.

“Help me! Help me!” over and over again.

And it’s not like once Mario rescues the Princess that they live happily ever after. They don’t go off on a sexy, exotic vacation where they feed each other  organic grapes and sip champagne. No, the game ends and before we know it, there is another game where the stupid princess has been kidnapped again. You would think she would consider getting a better security team. And honestly, it seems like Mario cares more about the adventure than the rescue. Maybe Mario and Luigi aren’t even brothers. Maybe they’re “brothers.” Wink wink.

I’ve thought a great deal about this (clearly) and have found a solution. If Vinny is uncomfortable with me being the Luigi to his Mario, I will be the Luigiana to his Mario. Problem. Solved.




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