I can’t believe that I, Diana, have fans. Like real breathing human fans. They write me fan mail and send me pictures and sometimes even their unwashed undies in ziplock bags. It humbles me so.
Please note that when I write “fans” I really just mean fan and by fan I really just mean my best friend Zohra sends me funny emails. She is the funniest person I know and she helps keep me on my “haha” toes. Below is her most recent email to me and it made me laugh out loud. I did not correct any of the grammar because that would take the love out of her original words and also because she writes like she skipped a lot of required English classes and I want to laugh at that.
On that note, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
My name is Zoe Apple and you don’t know me but I am a huge fan of yours. I think that you’re not only a sore for sight eyes but you are a hilarious writer. I enjoy the way you live your life and hope that one day I can
smellmeet you. So that we can laugh about hair and cheese and also create a plan to destroy gluten. We are destined to be together. Sometimes I stand outside your building and wait for a glimpse of your disheveled hair, outfit, and face. I pray you would notice me but alas my dreams always fall short like a midget on platforms, oh so close yet so far. I will never reach that top latch on that door knob to your love, will I?
I wish like the last of the Mohicans and speed I too can catch you in a power race against time with fancy horses and trains. You Diana are the last of the Mohicans, you’re also the bus on Speed you just keep going. Until the end but that doesn’t count.
Keep going Diana!
Your friend, stalker, and confidant PUSSY CAT.
I think everyone deserves a friendly stalker now and then. Someone who will tell you just how great you are in writing so that when you’re crying in the corner, wrapped up in the fetal position, wondering where life will take you, you will have those marvelous words to look back on. Wouldn’t you love that?
Do you have a friendly stalker? If not, do you want one?
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