I was having dinner with my friend Naomi when suddenly my hair caught on fire. Well, not quite so suddenly. I actually leaned over a votive candle to grab a piece of bread and then BAM! hair on fire.
It happened so quickly that Naomi didn’t even have time to react. She was all like, “what? huh? what just happened.” Two minutes later, you could smell what happened and other diners had no problems pointing it out.
You may be wondering what I was saying while I leaned over that candle. If you were wondering, then you’d be right to do so because I was saying, “I shouldn’t be eating gluten.” Yes, that’s right. As I leaned to get a piece of delicious gluten-filled bread, I was talking about how I no longer indulge. Or rather, how I shouldn’t indulge in gluten.
I feel like I perhaps deserved to have my hair torched. I can just picture that vindictive votive candle thinking, “wow! this biatch won’t shut the fu*k up about gluten. She eats bread! With gluten! Lot’s of it, too. She is a fraud! Oh, look. Some dry hair and excessive hair product. I like.”
And then, well, you know. By the time I came home and told Vinny, I thought it was highlarious but he disagreed. He was actually very upset. “What if you burned your face?!” he wanted to know.
And I was like really? That was your concern? Not that my entire head could have been a fireball and I would end up living my life like Michael Jackson after his Pepsi hair mishap – an icon with a pill problem.
And he was like, yeah, really. Then he suggested I try some non-flammable hair products even though we both know that I should avoid candles, not hair products.
I get it though. We’re both concerned about my brain damage and why add to the problem with unnecessary product? Except it’s not unnecessary as you can tell so as of now, I stay out of fire’s way and carry on with my obsessive affair with John Frieda Frizz Ease 3-Day Straight Styling Spray. Life is about compromises and because I know my priorities, it was an easy decision.
As for bread? Don’t ask.