Sign up. Get posts in your email. Live happily ever after.

On The Bitches And Bros Who Befriend The Burn

double sneeze

Anytime I see a chick update her status with “I love the burn!” I automatically assume she has a UTI and is having trouble urinating. Alas, this is not the case. Usually when a chick loves the burn, she is publically explaining that she loves the feeling of her muscles ripping inside her body for growth.

I don’t love the burn. Not the type when I have a UTI, not the type when I accidentally pour scalding water on myself and especially not when I’m working out.

I understand there is a neural association with the burn being a sign of success but honestly, I’d love the sign of success without the burn. I’d love the success without the discomfort of achy thighs and the difficulty walking up and down the stairs. I mean, there must be a better way to get fit without these uncomfortable side effects, which is what they are. People who love the burn have simply successfully convinced themselves that they enjoy it and more power to them. I am not there yet.

I have recently become more intimate with the side effects of exercise. Why? It’s not because I want to feel this ridiculous burn. It’s because summer is coming up and I plan on wearing provacative dresses and I want to look and feel hotter than Cholula. Nay. I want to look and feel better than everyone else. Because isn’t that the REAL goal? I mean, would you feel the burn if you didn’t have to? Would you feel the burn if the result wasn’t a side-by-side comparison of the old you and new and improved you? Would you feel the burn if you got zero likes on your carefully crafted side-selfies? NOPE. You’d be like, fuck this burn, I’m eating cake.

So, in the spirit of having a hot bod, I offer you this honest look into working out. This may or may apply to me.

Squat
You’re better than everyone else who is not squating at this moment.
Deep Lunge
Oh yeah, baby. That selfie is going to look real hot.
Squat
This effort better get me some attention on Facebook.
Deep lunge
Because this fucking burn sucks.
Squat
Oh yeah, I’m working out.
Deep Lunge
Like a BOSS
Squat
I can’t wait to be uncomfortable all night in a tight dress and heels.
Deep Lunge
This uncomfortable workout will be worth it then.
Squat
Fuck, this hurts. I hate you, burn. I hate you so much.
Deep Lunge
But I do this because I love to look hot.
Squat
But I also like to encourage others with my motivating messages.
Deep Lunge
Just kidding. I wish everyone stays fat and untoned.
Squat
Burn, baby burn.
deep lunge
Instagram, here i come.
Pushup & Plank
I hope people ask me where the bathroom is because my guns will point them in the right direction.
Planks
There goes that shitty burn again. But I’m committed. HURRAH! Because I want to…
plank
look hot
plank
for my husband
plank
and everyone else who has eyes
Plank
Because one like just isn’t enough.
Plank, hold for 45, cry.

Repeat x 3

#ilove(whenpeopleknowhowmuchilove)the burn #noyogaerrdamnday #fuckyouworkingout

What’s your workout? Please do share in the comments.

 

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Comment *