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Letter To Myself

This is the first of hopefully many creative writing prompts to help me rid my life of writer’s block. It is a letter to myself as per Poets & Writers. Written on August 23, 2014 

Dear Diana,

Hello! How are you, gorgeous?

I am doing well. Just living life, ya know? Got my hair done today and am going to a wedding tomorrow. I guess you already know that though because, well, you’re me! And I’m you! Haha. Oh, we’re so funny.

My message to you this week is to stop being such a cry baby. Stop making excuses and get back to working out. Only 20 minutes! You can’t possibly be so lazy that you can’t find 20 minutes. Actually, since I know you, I know you can be that lazy but I encourage you not to be. Be wild and give it a whirl.

In addition, I hope you strive to be a better person this week. Please stop making rude comments to slow walkers. Remember the last time you made a snide remark to that guy walking down the train stairs at sloth speed? And then once you got down to the platform you realized he was injured and on crutches? Then, because the slow walker had all of your attention, you accidentally boarded the M train and didn’t realize it until you were in Williamsburg. You don’t want that happening again. Two words: instant-karma. You know it well but perhaps it’s time for a trial separation.

I have more to say but will hold off for now. I think it’s safe to say we’ve both had enough.

May you have a good week, smile, and don’t forget to write back.

Love,
Diana

The World Is Sometimes A Terrible Place

animal gif

Hello, everyone. As usual, it’s been a while since my last post. I guess my only explanation is that I have writers block. I can say I don’t have time, but that would be a lie.

Writers block is a legit thing. Nothing has inspired me. My muse has gone on an extended vacation. I don’t know why this is happening but I’ve been doing some writing exercises to get the flow back. I also did some sort of creativity rain dance thing that I hope will help.

In the meantime, I will share with you my feelings about the world. It’s fucked up. Straight up, fucked up. The internet doesn’t need another asshole with an opinion and so I will only say this: It is upsetting when innocent people (and animals) die. Ferguson, ISIS, James Foley, Israel/Palestine, Ukraine, Monsanto, the  rapidly declining elephant population in Africa. The list can and will go on. The only solution for me is to just watch a ton of cute animal videos to get my mind off the real shit that is going on. My fragile mind just can’t handle it sometimes, ya dig? 

Then theres the Ice Bucket Challenge. I participated. It made me feel popular and like I contributed to a good cause. I doused myself with cold water and donated $100. Isn’t it crazy that is takes something viral like a bucket challenge to get people to do something charitable? Don’t get me wrong – I consider myself a generous person but I have never even donated to MS research. (And probably won’t, for a few reasons not relevant to this post.)

Moving along. Vinny and I got a cat. His name is Nosey and we rescued him from a life of cage living. That makes him a cage free cat, doesn’t it? As a major lover of dogs, I am finding myself in the midst of an identity crisis. Am I a dog person? A cat person? I suppose I’m both but since we’ve only had Nosey for 2 weeks, I will refrain from wearing any adorable cat clothes. For now.

Ninja and Nosey

cat shirt That’s all for now. Hopefully the creativity rain dance works and there will be more from me in the near future.

Xo
D

Dear Solange

Dear Solange,

You so angry, girl. You like, really, really angry. Like maybe  you need to be sedated cray cray angry. And I’m DYING to know why.

Like most of America, I have watch the video (multiple times, and what?)  and have come to conclude that maybe you were defending your sister, Bey. The fact that she was just standing there to the side like nothing was happening indicates that she was in agreement with your actions. By not stopping you, she was silently cheering you on.

The thing is that I really need to know why you behaved this way. Did Jay cheat on Bey? Or was it something petty like he made fun of your hair and you were high on the sauce so you decided to assault him? Or maybe you’re just bi-polar and forgot your meds, which is A-OK.(The meds, not that you forgot to take them.) Whatever the case, I NEED TO KNOW.

You owe us, the American people who buy your sisters albums, an explanation. But I’m sure if you don’t give us one, TMZ will. I can’t wait.

I should write more

Hi. It’s me. I’m back.

I’ve been away and I am sorry. I realize this is a disservice to you and so I’ve commuted to posting more. I sometimes have trouble keeping up with posts because I just have nothing interesting to say. Going forward, I no longer care about whether or not I write an interesting blog post. It’s going to be all willy nilly from now on.

Here is an update about the current happenings around my way.

  • I still have MS.
  • I got a job now. I work here. I love it.
  • I’m strategically drinking water again.
  • I like the way “I’m writing a book” sounds so I tell people I am.
  • I stopped biting my nails but then I started biting them again. Major WTF.
  • Slow walkers agitate me.
  • I watch Super Soul Sundays on OWN. Whilst attempting to find my truth, I ran in to a predicament. I realized my truth is that like my soul a little charred. But I still watch, hoping.
  • I love to read. A good book is everything.

And that’s all for now. See you soon.

xo.

On The Bitches And Bros Who Befriend The Burn

double sneeze

Anytime I see a chick update her status with “I love the burn!” I automatically assume she has a UTI and is having trouble urinating. Alas, this is not the case. Usually when a chick loves the burn, she is publically explaining that she loves the feeling of her muscles ripping inside her body for growth.

I don’t love the burn. Not the type when I have a UTI, not the type when I accidentally pour scalding water on myself and especially not when I’m working out.

I understand there is a neural association with the burn being a sign of success but honestly, I’d love the sign of success without the burn. I’d love the success without the discomfort of achy thighs and the difficulty walking up and down the stairs. I mean, there must be a better way to get fit without these uncomfortable side effects, which is what they are. People who love the burn have simply successfully convinced themselves that they enjoy it and more power to them. I am not there yet.

I have recently become more intimate with the side effects of exercise. Why? It’s not because I want to feel this ridiculous burn. It’s because summer is coming up and I plan on wearing provacative dresses and I want to look and feel hotter than Cholula. Nay. I want to look and feel better than everyone else. Because isn’t that the REAL goal? I mean, would you feel the burn if you didn’t have to? Would you feel the burn if the result wasn’t a side-by-side comparison of the old you and new and improved you? Would you feel the burn if you got zero likes on your carefully crafted side-selfies? NOPE. You’d be like, fuck this burn, I’m eating cake.

So, in the spirit of having a hot bod, I offer you this honest look into working out. This may or may apply to me.

Squat
You’re better than everyone else who is not squating at this moment.
Deep Lunge
Oh yeah, baby. That selfie is going to look real hot.
Squat
This effort better get me some attention on Facebook.
Deep lunge
Because this fucking burn sucks.
Squat
Oh yeah, I’m working out.
Deep Lunge
Like a BOSS
Squat
I can’t wait to be uncomfortable all night in a tight dress and heels.
Deep Lunge
This uncomfortable workout will be worth it then.
Squat
Fuck, this hurts. I hate you, burn. I hate you so much.
Deep Lunge
But I do this because I love to look hot.
Squat
But I also like to encourage others with my motivating messages.
Deep Lunge
Just kidding. I wish everyone stays fat and untoned.
Squat
Burn, baby burn.
deep lunge
Instagram, here i come.
Pushup & Plank
I hope people ask me where the bathroom is because my guns will point them in the right direction.
Planks
There goes that shitty burn again. But I’m committed. HURRAH! Because I want to…
plank
look hot
plank
for my husband
plank
and everyone else who has eyes
Plank
Because one like just isn’t enough.
Plank, hold for 45, cry.

Repeat x 3

#ilove(whenpeopleknowhowmuchilove)the burn #noyogaerrdamnday #fuckyouworkingout

What’s your workout? Please do share in the comments.

 

 

TED Talk Tuesdays: Over-Medicalized and Loving It?

Hello and welcome to TED Talk Tuesdays! This is my attempt at feeling smart and learning new things.

This weeks first ever TED Talk is about how America is medicine obsessed and doctors pre-prescribe all sorts of conditions. You can have pre-cancer, pre-diabetes, pre-so and so and the answer to that is more tests and more copays. Basically it’s an industry like any other. I actually believe pre-conditions exist and are a serious thing. I’ve had pre-cancerous cells living in my who-ha and I was happy to know, happy to come in for another appointment and happy to get a biopsy to scrap all the bad shit away. I actually minded more when that same office billed my insurance for procedures I didn’t have but that’s a whole nother TED talk.

I  don’t actually have anything more to add to the pre-condition debate because I’m self absorbed and I rather talk (more) about myself. Here it goes.

I wonder what I would do if I was diagnosed with pre-Multiple Sclerosis. Would my life be different? Would I have avoided all the brain-damaging activities of my early 20s if I knew there was a possibility I’d actually get brain damage in my late 20s? I think about this often and I always come to the same conclusion. Probably not.

Early 20s me was too busy having feelings and opinions to really have the ability to understand the seriousness of such a diagnosis. So if I was diagnosed with pre-MS, I’d probably find a way around having to deal with it. I’d probably still smoke cigarettes, just with more guilt. I don’t remember organic food being a big thing in 2006/2007/2008 so I’d probably still love Applebee’s, Coke, and high fructose-flavored snacks. And the partying? Yeah, I’d still do that, too. Because that’s what your 20s are for.

I guess maybe I wouldn’t change a thing because I know I can’t change a thing. I don’t currently have a time machine so I embrace living in the present. Even if that present involves talking about the past.

How about you? Tell me your feelings, whatever they may be.

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On (Not) Running Marathons

Pam Anderson Marathon

Pamela Anderson @ The Marathon

Hello there and happy Monday! Hope everyone had a joyful weekend and used their extra hour wisely. I used my extra hour sitting in traffic because I forgot about the Marathon. It wasn’t so bad. I was driving along 3rd Avenue as the runners raced on 4th Avenue so I got to see little people speeding by. It was inspiring to see them go. It takes a lot of dedication and committment to run a marathon and I loudly fast clap for all those who participated.

Which brings me to point out that I’ve always wanted to run a marathon. If I ever do it will probably be an MS race but I’m going to be honest – I don’t actually enjoy running (bad ankles, dislike being active) and therefore can’t find the proper dedication and commitment to actually  train and participate. However, I am searching for a hobby that will help me feel as though I am running a marathon. Below are some options I’m willing to further look into.

1) Kickboxing – Sometimes I just want to kick some ass. Kickboxing will not only be a healthy way for me to get out any aggression but I will also learn how to kick literal ass. In addition to completing a marathon, I’ve also always dreamed of kickboxing my way out of a room full of armed Ninja’s, just like on TV.

2) Bowling – I am a superb bowler. In high school, we had the option of skipping regular gym class in favor of a more fun and active sport. We could choose between tennis and bowling. I took both but really my claim to fame was my time at bowling. I am proud to announce that my team and I came in at 8th place. And it was all because of me! I insisted on having proof of our superior sportsmanship and we got a plaque, which was was one of my finest moments in high school. I felt very powerful and full of endorphines, just like marathon runners must feel.

3) Knitting – I think it would be pretty cool to learn how to knit. I’d make scarves, sweaters and whatever else people make with yarn. Mittens? Mittens! Even though it’s a sedentary activity, I still consider learning something new a work out. The stress of having to figure out how to hold the needles would definitely manifest into physical symptoms like increased heart rate and forehead sweat so it’s on the list.

4) Walking – Is there such a thing as walking marathons? Because I’d be awesome at that.

5) Bike Riding – Vinny and I started riding bikes this past summer and it was great fun. I learned that I am really good at it since I no longer smoke cigarettes. I also learned that I am terrified of traffic and prefer riding on sidewalks. Unfortunately it’s getting cold and because I am sensitive to the elements, I have retired my bike for the season.

I don’t know what hobby I will take up but preparing a list of potential activities is the first step. I’m leaning towards just taking a nap because picking a hobby is more stressful than I thought. Your turn: are you a marathon runner? If so, how do you feel? If not, what is your hobby?

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Passive Aggressive Notes To My Neighbors

Hey there. I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while. Where was I, you ask? I was up to no good, starting trouble in my neighborhood.

I didn’t get into any fights, though. Because I’m passive aggressive. Instead, I wrote a note to my filthy, disgusting neighbors on proper trash disposal etiquette in the form of a threatening letter messily taped to the elevator door.

What had happened is this: One football Sunday not too ago, I went to throw out some garbage. Upon opening the door to the incinerator room, my nose was assaulted by the stench of an expired Edible Arrangements fruit basket. The basket was placed near the trash, as if the tenant was just too tired to follow through and complete the task. Suffice it to say, this enraged me.

Because I knew who the neighbor was, I decided I would take the fruit basket and leave it on their doorstep. I went to discuss my deviously genius plan with Vinny and I was super excited. He wasn’t. He was busy watching football but paid attention long enough to tell me I probably shouldn’t do that. I hesitantly agreed but I was still annoyed. I continued to review my options. If I couldn’t place the fruit basket on their doorstep, what could I do?

I decided to write them, and every other dirty neighbor, a kind note and tape it ever so gently upon the elevator door where everyone could see it.

letterondoor

I also put up a note on the incinerator door which was more to the point.

photo

Please excuse my sloppy handwriting and wayward blue tape. I was enraged and had no nerves to make it look neat.

Anyways, that’s not the point. The point is that right after I taped the note up, I heard the displicable neighbor going to throw out garbage. My apartment is across from the incinerator so I saw her carrying bags of trash and a couple of boxes. She took her time throwing her stuff out and I imagined that she was ashamed of being disgusting and so she was putting in some extra effort. I was pleased. Because I am a creep and one of those people, I went to investigate and see if she got the point, just to appease my curiosity. And guess what. She did!

The next day Vinny and I were waiting for the elevator and I read my note again. I was feeling super pleased with myself until I saw my glaring error. I was shocked to see that I had either forgotten a word (there was clearly a space) or used “an” before a word starting with a consonant. I was slightly embarrassed but figured I just MS-brained it and forgot to add the word. Just had to edit the note and make it correct. Which I did.

photo1

There has been order in the incinerator lately. People actually throwing out their garbage instead of leaving it on the recycle bin. Even the building super thanked me and asked me to make one for every floor. This delights me greatly although yesterday I saw a giant rotting bouquet of flowers just sitting there. I know it was the same neighbors because they were celebrating a wedding and were making a mess outside, too.

Thing is that I now either have to actually buy a little camera to catch them so that I don’t feel guilty putting trash on their doorstep OR become an adult and confront them. I’m thinking I will confront them and actually start an uncomfortable war with my dirty neighbors.

Do you have dirty neighbors who don’t understand the concept of throwing out garbage? How do you deal with them?

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Malala Yousafzai is a Hero, Banksy in East New York and Other Stories on Links of the Week Roundup

Malala

Malala Yousafzai is an amazing young girl. She is favored to win the Nobel Peace Prize and she’s only 16. Check her out in all her glory on The Daily Show.

Banksy took his art tour to East New York and locals are charging $20 to get a look at the piece. Don’t knock the hustle.

A Brooklyn rabbi helped Hasidic women get a divorce by torturing the husbands with an electric caddle prod. Love this story. Too bad he got caught because what will the Jewish women do now?

I have recently fallen off my Paleo lifestyle diet and have been consuming all sorts of deliciously bad things. I’m thinking I need some structure and might do a Whole30 challenge.

Stalking your favorite 90s celebrities on Twitter will help you waste some time.

Check out my guest post on Stumbling in Flats. I talk about why I’m not taking disease modifying drugs and it’s quite the discussion.

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