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The Time I Met Dina Lohan and She Was Drunk

Me and Dina Lohan Dina Lohan was arrested for DUI last week and this post is going to be me exploiting her troubles for Facebook Likes.

I met Dina Lohan in 2008 at a Dave Mathews Cancer Benefit Concert. Julia Roberts was there. So was Gossip Girl hot stuff Chase Crawford (beyond perfect). Samantha Ronson was the DJ. Lindsay wasn’t there. Dina was drunk.

I approached her, because that’s what I do, and we had a brief chat. She told me that magazines make up stories and she asked me not to put the picture up on Facebook.

Meeting Dina Lohan

“I promise. I won’t.”

And I didn’t at the time. I could have but I didn’t. Or maybe I did. Honestly I don’t remember.

She continued to slur her words and wobble. Now that I think about it, maybe she has MS? JK! She was definitely drunk. And it appears that she continued to enjoy the spiked punch. Unfortunately this time she decided to drive. Thankfully no one got hurt.

It’s kinda sad, isn’t it?. It doesn’t take a degree to see that Dina Lohan is an alcoholic. And so is Lindsay, which she recently admitted to Oprah. Lindsay got the help she needed and I hope Dina will follow in her daughters footsteps. Not only because she should save herself but because Lindsay deserves a sober mother.

Why do I care? BECAUSE I DO.

Because I want to see people do well, especially those who are troubled. Also because I am a glutton for punishment and love to support people who will likely stumble. But so far so good. Dina, Linds and the rest of the family recently celebrated Dina’s 51st birthday and no one orders an alcoholic beverage. Mozel Tov!

What are your thoughts? Do you care about celebrities like they are your long lost friends? Do you think Lindsay will stay sober or will Dina destroy her chances? Let’s talk about it!

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Dunkin’ Donuts Coffee Made Me Psychotic

How to Throw a Pity Party

I don’t always attend pity parties but when I do, Hormona throws them for me.

The party is thrown in a dark room with no visible light. The decor matches my soul on bad days – cluttered and antagonizing.

I used to think that Hormona was my alter-ego when I was PMS’ing but I have since learned that I am capable of being irrational and moody during any day of the month.

Hormona was recently present during a time in which I started to develop psychotic tendencies. The odd thing is that I was doing well and nothing was wrong. I was eating well, working out and getting along with Vinny. The only difference in my life was that I had started drinking Dunkin Donut K Cup coffee again.

It was weird to say the least. Feeling like everything was wrong while knowing it wasn’t – it was like a cruel joke my feelings were playing on my mind. It was very uncomfortable and I felt like I needed to escape my own body. I squirmed a lot. You know, because I was trying to escape myself.

Anyway. The DD coffee summoned Hormona from her slumber and this is what happened.

Diana: Good morning, world! I am ready for you, day. And Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.

{sip, sip, sip}

Hormona: You have MS. Nothing ever goes your way.

Diana: What? Where’d you come from? Why does it feel like you just kicked me in the gut?

Hormona: You probably have gut damage. It’s all that garbage you eat. Like those butter-filled croissants. You disgusting peasant! I want one.

Diana: I shouldn’t.

Hormona: You shouldn’t but I should. You deserve a croissant.

Diana: No, I don’t. I don’t deserve it! You don’t either. Go. AWAY.

Hormona: Just this one time. You’re in a bad mood anyway. This will help you.

Diana: I was in a fine mood until you showed up.

Hormona: Exactly my point. Why should you have to live with MS AND suffer the injustices of not being able to eat like a normal being.

Diana: Human beings shouldn’t eat croissants. A gluten free lifestyle will save my life.

Hormona: And you think one delicious croissant is going to change that?

Diana: Stop it. Stop talking.

Hormona: Fine. But only after we get us that croissant.

Diana: I don’t want it. I am stronger than you.

Hormona: Croissants. Mmmm. You know you’re going to give in so why are you fighting it so much?

Diana: That’s true. Okay, let’s go.

{yum, yum, yum}

Hormona: Your life sucks. That croissant was awful. Good job.

Diana: You’re the one who made me eat it. And no it doesn’t! My life is pretty awesome. I’m very lucky.

Hormona: So just because you have an awesome lucky life that means you can’t be sad? No one gets you. No one gets anything. Let’s cry about it.

Diana:  I don’t want to cry.

Hormona: Okay, I’ll wait until Vinny is right outside the door and when he says hi, we’ll start then.

Diana: NO. NO NO NO NO NO.

Hormona: Okay. I hear the door. Ready, set,

Vinny: Hi baby.

Break.

Vincent: Why are you crying?

Diana: What? Me? No I’m not.

Vincent: Um, okay.

Diana: I’m just…sad.

Vincent: Are you fucking serious?

End Scene.

Dunkin' Donut K Cups Made Me Crazy

This is a true story and it made me realize even more how important food and beverage is to your emotional well being. I don’t want to trash Dunkin’ Donuts because I love the company! I’ve never had a bad experience with any DD employee and used to love the donuts before I started making believe I’m a healthy eater. It just so happens that either I got a bad bottom-of-the-barrell batch of K cups or DD coffee really does have psychotic-causing ingredients.

You’ll be happy to know that I (obviously) stopped drinking the coffee and have returned back to my regular programming.

Your turn. Do you have a crazy alter ego? If so, what is his/her name? And how do you feel about DD coffee?

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Breaking Bad – The Great American TV Show (Spoilers*)

breaking bad jesse pink man I woke up this morning worried about Jesse Pinkman.

I don’t want him to die. I don’t want Walter White to die either. I don’t want anyone else to die because they are my Sunday night family and watching your family die sucks.

But I’ll accept it if it’s good for the story.

I watched Hank get shot in the head yesterday and I was like WHAT?! Of course I knew he was going to be offed. He had to go. What’s good for the story is good for the gander but it still felt like someone had ripped my heart out, kicked it around a bit before placing it back into my body. With every scene, I was feeling like it had all gone too far. I was uncomfortable much of the episode and I yearned for the comfort and coziness of Season 1.

I’m not ready for the show to end although much like the changing of the seasons, it’s not up to me or my emotional capacity to handle the shift.

It is appropriately raining today in NYC and I’m feelin’ weird. Breaking Bad made me feel weird. I can’t stop thinking about it, trying to put it all together.

I consider it the great American novel but in series form. There is too much to analyze, too much to look for, too much to look forward to. It’s the series you watch again because there are hints and foreboding everywhere.

This isn’t just TV. This IS what TV should be. All TV. All TV should be this good because then I could scapegoat brilliant episodes on my emotional issues.

No, I don’t watch Homeland and I probably won’t. Perhaps Vinny and I will give The Wire a whirl after a sufficient emotional break from Breaking Bad.

So if you think I’m a bit nutty,  you’d be right. But everyone else is a bit nutty for Breaking Bad too so I don’t feel so bad.

Do you watch Breaking Bad or are you one of those “too cool” for school folks who doesn’t own a TV? You’re missing out.

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Proof that Love Does Hurt, Fashion Week Sandwich Trends and More on Links on the Week Roundup

Joking Bad by Jimmy Fallon, Breaking Bad Parody

There is now scientific evidence that proves heartbreak does actually physically hurt.

Jimmy Fallon in a Breaking Bad parody is quite fantastic.

Project Runway contestants make fashion from Subway sandwich wrappers.

Dirty hair is the next big thing in hair fashion and I’m like, been there, done that.

This guy wants to move out of his spacious Williamsburg apartment because his roomate won’t stop talking about Syria.

Check out the stars of Dawson’s Creek then and now. It’s been 15 years since it premiered and changed our vocabularies forever.

Twitter tweeted they are going privately public.

A dog became aggressive towards a babysitter who turned out to be abusive towards the baby. Dog doesn’t like your sitter? Get a new sitter.

A dude talks about crying during emotional movies.

15 Reasons I Don’t Mind Failing

famous people who have failed

The title of this post is a bit misleading. I do mind failing. In fact, I despise it. Of the many activities I could be doing on a given day, failing is the least desirable option.

But sometimes it happens.

And when it does, it feels like this: like the dark winter clouds have gathered above and they can’t resist pelting depression-filled doom drops down at you. It feels like that dispicable feeling of loving someone who no longer loves you back. Like that feeling you get when you realize you’ve made a major mistake and this is real life and you’ve spent a lot of money and you will never see it again. Ever. Again. It’s that parasitic pit in your stomach and mind that just won’t go away.

It’s feeling like Beck and knowing it’s a truth and not just a negative thought.

For instance, I’m Too Fancy Version 1.0 was a major failure. Majah. For those who don’t know, my attempts to start a budget shopping search engine and affiliate-powered online shop went nowhere. My vision was grander than my capabilities. I also wasn’t known for my impeccable fashion sense so no one really cared what I had to say about budget shopping. I almost didn’t even care what I had to say about budget shopping.

Then I got sick and everything went downhill anyway. I forgot to pay the hosting company and they deleted the entire site but it doesn’t matter anyway because I2FV1 was never going to succeed. It wasn’t authentic. It wasn’t me. What I write about now is more organic and better received.

But it took a while to get back to me. Nights of deep sleep and nightmares. Waking up and realizing that it did just happen. It was like a wound I carried around that wouldn’t heal until I figured out my next step. And with time, I eventually did and still am figuring it out. But at least the nightmares have stopped.

But back to the point about failure – it happens. To a lot of people actually. I have a list of 15 below. People who try fail. The secret of success is that you keep trying.

Famous People Who Have Failed

15 – Elvis was fired by the manager of the Grand Ole Opry in 1954 after just one performance. He was told he should go back to drivin’ a truck.

14 – Steven Spielberg got rejected from film school three times.

13 – Stephen King threw out his manuscript for Carrie. His wife fished it out of the trash and encouraged him to submit it to publishers. Carrie was rejected 30 times before it was sold. His book “On Writing” is a must read for writers, even if you’re not into his books.

12 – Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team. This is a favorite quote of mine – “I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot, and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

11 – Sir James Dyson went through 5,126 failed prototypes over a fifteen year period before his 5,217th worked. The Dyson brand is now the best-selling vacuum cleaner in the US.

10 – Harry Potter writer J.K. Rowling was a divorced, unemployed mother raising her daughter while on social security. She is the first billionaire writer.

9 – R.H. Macy started seven failed business before he founded Macy’s.

8 – Soichiro Honda applied for an engineering position with Toyota Motor Corp but didn’t get the gig. Left unemployed, he started making scooters at home and eventually started his own company.

7 – John Grisham was a lawyer before he became a writer. It took him three years to write A Time to Kill and it was rejected by 28 different publishers. The 29th publisher said yes and today he has sold more than 250 million copies of his books.

6 – The Beatles were rejected by quite a few labels and were told “guitar groups are on the way out.” The rest is history.

5 – Sarah Silverman was fired from Saturday Night Live after only a year on the show. None of her sketches ever made it to air.

4 – Charles Schults was rejected for a position with Disney before he created the famous Peanuts comic strip.

3 – Vera Wang started her infamous bridal design business at 40, only after she was passed up for the Editor-in-Chief position at Vogue.

2 – Akio Morita is the co-founder of Sony. Their first product was a rice cooker.

1 – Oprah was fired from her job as a TV reporter because she was “unfit for TV.”

They didn’t give up and neither should I. Or you.

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5 Things I Learned During My First Year of Marriage

5 Things I learned from my first year of marriage

Yesterday Vinny and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. Congrats to us!

In honor of our special day, I wanted to write a post about the wedding. I started writing it but then I realized I didn’t really care. I’m over our wedding. It was beautiful and spectacular and our lovely guests made our night so special. But I’m not a wedding person, not even when it comes to showing mine off.

Instead I’ve decided to write about what I’ve learned after the wedding. You know, when you’re actually married to another person, by law, and you have to live together in peace because if you don’t, the nosy neighbors will call the police on you. Below are just five things I’ve learned. Let me know if you agree.

Weddings are fun but marriage is hard

This is not to say that marriage isn’t fun. It is. Most of the time. But all of the other times it’s hard. Why? Because you’re living with another person. A human being with likes, dislikes and feelings that may not always be aligned with your feelings. It takes a while to navigate those issues when you’re a newly wed just learning to live with another person. And that is hard.

Before you’re married, love is a feeling. After you’re married, love is an action

Saying I love you with words is so special. But saying I love you with surprise tickets to that Broadway show you’ve been hinting about is even more special. Okay, forget Broadway. Any gesture that shows you love your partner goes a lot further than just saying it. Going to the doctor with you, asking how you feel, cooking you a favorite meal, keeping the house clean, etc. Any action you commit that makes your partner happy is a sign of love and that’s the fuel that keeps the heart and loins operating smoothly.

Compliment your spouse as if they were a puppy learning a new trick

We all like to be complimented, don’t we? It’s not a sign of weakness to put your husband/wife on a pedestal, although I do know some people who feel this way. Compliment your spouse and provide positive reinforcement when they do something good. For instance, the more Vinny compliments my cooking, the harder I want to try to make it delicious.  They will like the feeling and will continue doing it. The experts agree! So be proud of them and support them like they were your favorite football team. You know, cheer them on no matter what, even if it’s unlikely they’ll make it to the Super Bowl.

Use mild language when insulting your spouse

Truth is that Vinny and I have said some pretty awful things to each other. We’ve both been known to use creative language to demolish the other person, just to prove a point. But the louder we screamed and the worse we got to each other, the less we heard the others point. Sure it can be fun to abuse your spouse and feel like a victorious gladiator when you’ve sufficiently hurt their feelings but in the end, it’s really not worth it. It hurts and some wounds take longer to heal. Also, if you get too used to being vile, that will become the norm. So instead of saying “you disgusting piece of sh*t motherf*cker. I will destroy your life!” try saying “Babe, I know your legs are working just fine so why didn’t you take out the garbage last night? Can you please do it now? Thanks! I love you.” Do not add “Go to hell” as you leave the room. They will hear it.

It’s easy to get comfortable. Don’t do it.

That means go to the gym. Wear makeup. Get your hair did. Get your nails did. Look hot for your husband. Look hot for your wife. Treat her like she is the golden egg. Don’t break plans with her. Put her first, second and third. Put in as much effort as you can to keep life fresh. Forever is a long time and attention spans have significantly decreased over the years so be interesting and hot for your spouse if you want to keep their attention. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you can let yourself go.

I love being married and I especially love being married to Vinny. He’s my best friend in good times and my frenemy in bad times but as long as he is my friend in marriage, we’ll be okay.

How about you? What have you learned from being married?

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Beyonce Dishes Dating Advice, Channing Tatum Plays B-Ball w/ a Baby and 13 Fall Shows You Want to See on Links of the Week Roundup

Beyonce GIFS

Beyonce doles out some dating advice in the form of GIFS.

Chobani yogurt started to hiss at people so there was a recall. Oh, and did you know that the Air Force banded Chobani?

This writer hurt herself and couldn’t yoga for 14 weeks. This is her story.

Ugh. I’m sure you’ve heard by now that Ariel Castro committed suicide in jail. That makes me angry.

A rapist in the UK was disappointed to learn that he may have gotten HIV from his victim.

Stumbling in Flats is a fancy blog about MS. Barbara is highlarious and we will be guest blogging on each other sites soon. I’m super excited about it.

Channing Tatum and a baby play basketball. Collective “awwwww’s” ensue.

Buzzfeed introduces us to the man who perfected the selfie.

13 Fall pilots you and your DVR might want to know about.

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My Husband Wants to Go Speed Dating

Vinny and I were watching Hitch for the millionth time (thanks, TBS) and I was giggling as usual. I don’t know why but I just adore this movie, especially the scene where Hitch takes Eva Mendez character to Ellis Island. The way she cries when she sees her uncles name gets me every time.

hitch the movie

We were up to the speed dating scene, where Eva and Will are flirt fighting. I guess I also wanted to get into the spirit of flirt fighting, except minus the flirting.

Diana: I know this is a weird question but would you go speed dating?

Vinny: Sure, why not?

Diana: Uh, so now you want to go speed dating?

Vinny: What? No!

Diana: So now that you don’t have a ring, you want to go date other people.

Vinny: No! You asked me.

Diana: Lie next time.

Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

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5 Multiple Sclerosis Symptoms That Just Won’t Go Away

Howdy, folks. Yesterday someone shared my post, 5 Things All Multiple Sclerosis Patients Need on Facebook and my Google Analytics wept with joy. Whoever shared it allowed me to meet my traffic goals early so I owe you one. Show your face, oh mighty article sharer. Or just leave a comment. Whatever floats your boat.

Due to the success of the aforementioned post, I will now get down to more MS business. I once noted that MS stands for Mucho Special but it can also stand for Mucho Sensations. Tinkling, prickling, numbness – the list goes on. I’ve experienced a lot of symptoms and below are just five of my favorites. Yes, favorites because I don’t leave home without em’.

MS Symptoms

Img Source: Healtline

5) Prickling – I’ll be minding my own business when all of a sudden it starts to rain. I know it’s raining because I feel the rain drops on my arm. When I look up, I’m disappointed to learn that there’s no thunder storm brewing because I’m in my apartment. It’s not flooding either. It’s just the MS fucking with me.  Owned.

4) Speech Disorder – My favorite thing EVER is having a brilliant thought or a productive idea to share and then nothing brilliant or productive comes out. Either the word I wanted to use is suddenly on a lunch break and unavailable or my entire thought disappears completely. Example: What I think: “While Monsanto has the funds and political support to completely destroy our worlds food supply and kill us all within years, I find that the people who buy their products are equally as responsible. What we need to do is educate lower income households on the benefits of eating nutritious meals. What I say: I miss cheese.

3) Clumsiness –  I’m halfway through breaking most of my drinking glasses and when I’m done, I’ll buy more glasses that will likely break as well. Luckily our dinner plates are unbreakable. I drop something at least five to six times a day. Things just don’t want to stay in my hands and it’s not because they are dirty. It’s because MS doesn’t want them to stay in my hands. Note to yourself: don’t hire me to be a waitress or to deliver your baby.

2) Brain Fog – There are instances when I can think about everything and nothing at the same time. Or my mind goes blank and I forget what lettuce looks like. Sometimes it feels like this: imagine yourself driving to a gorgeous island. You’re speeding to this island but you have to stop abruptly because boats have to pass below. The bridge lifts and you have to wait for an hour. By the time the bridge is a bridge again, you forget where you’re going and why. You also ran out of gas because it was hot outside and you were running your AC. Owned.

1) Balance Issues – I can relate to the Leaning Tower of Pisa. All of the other buildings are standing straight and Pisa is all alone, swaying to the side. My most notable experience with balance, or lack there of, was whilst walking the streets of South Beach, Miami with Vinny. I was wearing heels and strutting like I was auditioning for a modeling career. And then SPLAT. My ankle went out and I fell to the concrete floor, bruising my knee in the process. A group of young fellas passed by and they were all like, “damn! The floor moved right beneath you!” Uhm, thanks for the commentary. Without it, I wouldn’t have known what happened.

It’s not as bad as it sounds. An anti-inflammatory diet actually helps a lot of the symptoms and when I’m eating well, I’m feeling and thinking well. Unfortunately diet doesn’t solve all problems and I continue to lean like Pisa.

How about you? What is your best/worst MS symptoms? Leave a comment and let’s talk about it.

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Mister Sunday Meets Candy Crush: An Epic Tale of a Labor Day Staycation

Mister Sunday in Brooklyn

Me flirting with the camera.

Howdy, ya’ll! Hope you all had a nice Labor Day weekend. I, for one, had a stupendous time. Vinny and I decided to enjoy all Brooklyn has to offer so we had a staycation. Usually I would be a giant cry baby about staying local during a holiday that just begs for you to spend a weekend in nature but since we were active, I didn’t mind.

On Saturday we celebrated my dads 75th birthday (woohoo dad!) during the day and went bowling at night. Then on Sunday I went to a hipster party sans Vinny. He was busy drafting his fantasy football team in New Jersey. If you think I think drafting a fantasy football team is a sufficient way to spend 1/3 days of labor day, you’d be wrong. But it is what it is. Vinny had fun picking tight ends and I had fun wearing a tight skirt that showed my tight end. Hahaha. Get it?

Everyone I met at Mister Sunday was from Texas. Or rather, they were from Brooklyn via Texas. It was interesting to say the least. The party was at Gowanus Grove near the famed Gowanus Canal. It didn’t smell and I was pleased. I drank red sangria the entire night but everyone else was too cool for school and drank trendy Brooklyn beer. Outside, an elderly Asian woman collected the cans to recycle. I’m pretty sure she is richer than us all.

Mister Sunday Brooklyn

She’s rich.

The rest of our weekend was spent watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix and hating playing Candy Crusher. Vinny and I just recently started playing so we’re really not that far along. Okay, we’re in the 30s. I know, I know! With 400 levels, it’s almost as if we’re not even playing at all.

Sometimes I love the game and sometimes I hate it. Usually the hate comes when I can’t beat a level. Luckily, my friend Victor beat one that I was perpetually stuck on and I rejoiced with delight. Now Vinny calls me a cheater but when he does, I just wave my arms up in the air like I just don’t care. Because I don’t. I am further ahead because of it and if unearned success is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Lesson learned? Cheating is okay if it gets you ahead in life.

Your turn. How was your Labor Day weekend? But more importantly, do you crush candies?

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